Small Death.

Being really close to Big Death lately. Flashbacks being the worst they have ever been, feeling like I am dying and His  disgusting tongue/ censored body parts against my six years old body.

Me realising I was never going to succeed at being the woman my parents expect me to be, because I never felt that way (euphemism trying not to use the forbidden word trans but too late, I did). Plus realising my parents are narcissist and that I don’t really miss them. I miss the family I never had, the hypothetical person I could trust. No shrinks, the only close friends I have live 2000 kilometers away and I don’t want them to see I still feel this way.

So close no matter how far… Yeah always in my head Mum, telling me how ungrateful I am. So close to suicide I can’t live so I have to go to back to small death. Small death is invisible and corpse free. Small death is feeling free. I just drop my personality and problems in a jar of formalin to become a Nobody. And as a Nobody I need and desire no one around me. I am just an empty robot doing tasks in automatic mode. Small Death is the option I choose for now because there are still people I care about and love and I don’t want to hurt them

Anyway I don’t know what  I am doing posting this here, but I probably won’t post in a few months as I need to avoid facing a reality I can’t bear.