I keep causing myself misery. I don’t know how to stop. I want the wrong things. Rationally I know it’s no good for anyone. It’s not going to happen. Move on, try to make the best of a bad situation. But I keep getting reminders. And part of my mind craves those triggers. To feel that surge of meaning and desire again – to know clearly, if only for a moment ‘this is what I want. This matters. This is all there really is in this world.’
But then the contradiction hits – it’s wrong, reprehensible, terrible. Nothing good can come of it. It’s gone, too late. It never was, and it never will be. And that hurts so fucking much. When the only thing that feels truly meaningful and good is also terrible and hopeless. That right there is a recipe for despair.
And yet apparently that isn’t enough to push me to take the leap and do this world a favour. So I’ve trapped myself in this endless loop, where I spend half the time longing over something I can’t have, and the other half pondering why I don’t just end it already. Good job brain. Top marks for self sabotage. You win. You are the biggest loser.