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Yet another failure

by shatterediris

and I fail again…. I’m used to it though, I am a failure…. I’ve even have a scar that reminds me of it everyday, ‘failure’ I know I am a failure and I can’t stop…. Whatever, no food for me today, I’ve decided that now…. It doesn’t matter that I’m really hungry since I didn’t really eat yesterday I don’t deserve any today, I fucked up what I was going to eat and made it inedible so I clearly wasn’t very hungry. I’m going to drug myself up and try to sleep now, hopefully I can sleep for a full day so I can finally eat.

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16 comments

rocketman 6/15/2019 - 6:20 am

Sorry about the food thing, remember I burned something up the other day, the pan is in the sink I’m trying to fix it, it was given to by my mother I think it’s destroyed. My turn in the barrel as well, ticker has been acting up more frequently last 2 days, several times, a day or two I can live with, I hope it knocks it off it’s uncomfortable.

shatterediris 6/15/2019 - 6:40 am

Hopefully that stops soon 🙁

all I did was ruin a microwavable noodle thing by accidentally leaving the second pouch of flavoring thing in…. that wasted an entire 80 cents (was a nice instant noodle) -_- I was very upset that I could not eat it. And I also accidentally microwaved metal, those apparently have some metal in them :/ microwave didn’t like it much…. I was quite looking forward to it too but didn’t get to eat it which made me very sad. I did eventually decide to eat at least though, just something much less appealing.

rocketman 6/15/2019 - 8:31 am

Thanks Funny we were just talking about it.
That sort of thing “the noodle” pisses me off too! I try not to get to upset. But that pot looks really bad I sat it a side after spending time on it, I’ll hit it again later.

shatterediris 6/15/2019 - 8:40 am

Good luck with the cleaning of the pan.

the end 6/15/2019 - 10:21 am

Something as silly as food can be the biggest depression/suicide trigger sometimes. So even if it was just 80c worth of noodles I get it.

Once I was down to my last box of pasta (plain because I couldn’t afford sauce) and as I was straining it over the sink I burned my hand and spilled the whole thing down the drain. In hindsight, it’s pretty hilarious. But at the time it almost made me jump out the window.

Whenever this happens, just try to hang on until the “pretty hilarious” feeling kicks in.

the end 6/15/2019 - 10:25 am

I mean, your sauce overload and lightning storm in the microwave is, objectively speaking, pretty hilarious 🙂

shatterediris 6/15/2019 - 12:31 pm

It’s really not that hilarious it was just a packet of powdered seasoning thingy, it stuck behind the flap of the lid and was not visible, and they made some with two packets or just one so I assumed it was a one packet one, it was a two packet one, so basically just half the thing came out black and I assumed it was a horrible idea to try to eat them still :/

The pasta loss is tragic and sad 🙁 and that was your only food too? 🙁 Food is sad to lose yes, it reminds me of being very young…. I used to have food taken away form me a lot for “misbehaving.” :/

It was also pointed out to me a bit ago that I “eat like an inmate” because I place an arm around my food while eating…. That is a thing I never would have noticed before.

I should buy more noodles, it is actually much cheaper than getting fast food a lot, yes less calories but I might mix in bread and other things for more calories and end up ahead on money that way. But I also don’t like buying them because I feel like people are judging me if I buy them and if I bought like 10 people would probably think that I’m horrible at feeding myself, so I generally will only buy 2 at once (at most) and if I were to allow myself one per day, I’d probably have to buy 10ish at once…. But it’d be only like $8 after tax, so that’s 3 days of fast food…. and my neighbors probably think I’m horrible at feeding myself anyway, and likely think I’m spending much more than $2-3 per day…. But I can stretch that to become about 1200 calories daily…. Now I’m rambling about food, food is hard, I hate cooking because I suck at cleaning and hate it and never have energy for it, and I let garbage pile up in my kitchen which means I never have space for cooking, and cooking complex things takes space and makes huge messes which isn’t worthwhile because the food lasts not long and the cleaning lasts far longer, and it’s just horrible…. Cooking is very enjoyable other than that though, and ingredients feel too expensive, and especially meat…. and if I cook I actually tend to spend more overall because like $12 of meat will last two days because I can’t have self control when there is food around. -_- so fast food might be a better solution. argh I hate that I have to feed myself, I’m surprised I’ve survived this for like 4ish years now.

I’m sorry for such a long thing left here.

shatterediris 6/15/2019 - 12:33 pm

I also did overreact and threw the noodles too…. I guess that part is kind of funny, then I had a mess that I had to clean up, I really should stop throwing things when angry.

rocketman 6/16/2019 - 6:24 pm

Yeah I think you over reacted! 🙂 I’m feeling better to much coffee and monster, while working on the house I was burning energy but I quit because of the heat and been doing nothing so the energy had no where to go. I cut back.

shatterediris 6/16/2019 - 7:00 pm

Taking a break is good, you deserve a break. xD

I did overreact yes, I did get more of the noodle things, except cheaper less nom ones (these ones are 50 cents but similar) xD

rocketman 6/16/2019 - 8:45 pm

I just bought 8 of the really cheap ones I’m embarrassed to tell you the price! You know there was a time you could only get them in a Chinese restaurant and they charged like $4 a specialty.

shatterediris 6/16/2019 - 9:51 pm

Wait there’s cheaper for instant noodles? O.o
Well I guess the cups of noodle thing that’s more like a soup do exist.
I do also have a lot of those laying around right now, which I see them as fairly cheap…. They make nice snacks even though I hardly ever eat them because it’s hard for me to boil water because there’s no teapot and the stupid boiling thing is too short and doesn’t hold enough water for one.

rocketman 6/16/2019 - 10:04 pm

i use the old pan method I like them soft, I might even throw and egg in it, some frozen vegetables, you can can pretty creative, but most of the time just stock midnight fill the gut type deal.

rocketman 6/16/2019 - 10:05 pm

boy a lot of repeats! and stuff I’m tired! 🙂

shatterediris 6/16/2019 - 10:18 pm

You should consider sleep then? Sleep is nice xD

I almost never cook with a pan anymore, it’s just too much effort to wash it after and I never feel up to it, and dishes just get overwhelming…. I sometimes wish that there weren’t like 40 dishes here because of that…. I’d actually be a lot happier with one plate, one bowl, and maybe 2 forks and spoons…. with a butter knife I guess…. It’d be much less intimidating when sitting in the sink or in my case on the counter and a table, and the sink -_- (some have been on a table dirty for over 4 years now 🙁 )

rocketman 6/16/2019 - 10:31 pm

I like to cook it makes me happy helps with my depression, but I also like to eat when it’s hot, so yeah I leave a mess, after about three meals it’s a catastrophe! I’m fast though takes about 10 min, i’m back in business.
Tacos are my favorite I never get tired of them! I’m I Italian love the food but it takes all day to cook it!

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