I had a private account because I’ve always cared too much about what people thought about me.
I thought it was a fantastic idea when I created it as I could share my true feelings to the people I called my friends; I wouldn’t have to put a brave front for them, I could vent without restraining myself. I felt safe, for once, from my parents abusive behavior.
I didn’t see it coming.
All of my fears, thoughts, struggles, complied in screenshots and scattered away in one of my “friends” account.
What hurt me the most wasn’t the harsh blow to my trust issues; it was the passive attitude of my “other friends”.
I am old enough to know that no one is going to solve my problems and rescue me from my suicide thoughts; but a text message would have been nice.
Something to let me know that they care, that I am not alone, that they wouldn’t do the same shit this “friend” did, that even if they can’t be always there for me, that they would try their best to make me feel better.
Isn’t that a normal reaction? Am I expecting too much white from this grey world?
Shit, they didn’t even bat an eyelash when I told them my sister was being admitted into the hospital and I wanted to reschedule our meeting as I wouldn’t be able to see them the rest of the summer.
I should have realized sooner that very few people in this world care, that the only person who is going to pick you up when you hit the asphalt face front is yourself, that people enjoy seeing you suffer, even your “own friends”.
I even believed them when they say they would miss me if I was gone.
I should try another shot at happiness, the one I’ve been looking for 20 years.
I should try to keep my alive, even if it feels scary knowing that I have no one to grab my arm when I cross the street.
I should try to forget it all, but can I?
Can I stop caring?
Why does it pain me so much? Why can’t I understand that I am unimportant and live for myself?
Was I looking for happiness where it wasn’t supposed to be?
Will I be able to get through all of my mental health problems all alone?
I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live this way forever either.