I’ve lied to my bestie regarding therapist. And I intend to do so with the rest of my close friends. I’m sorry I had no other way. I feel terribly guilty about it. I know they haven’t asked for it. I’m not forced to heal quickly or MOVE with Life. Every time I meet each of them or talk with them, I can sense how eagerly they wait to get a ray of hope for me to walk down the normal path. It’s been more than 11 years – I’ve only been more and more hurtful and self-destructive. All of them, especially are doing so good at their careers and emotionally and has a grip on their lives -I don’t want to continue being that one ‘failure’ chapter in their life. Honestly, in all my attempts to end this one messy life once and for all, I’ve only been saved with their words and presence. I’m afraid to be called a ‘coward’ or laid them down. I’m scared to death!
But I don’t think they understand (I don’t blame them!), how it feels every day to wake up? get myself going? I know people are not happy inside but how do they even momentarily smile? Pretense?! Wow! That must take real skills. How do people hurt and not care? never turn back and see? They say, priorities change – Why?! HOW!? Time heals?! never did for me – And why the hell is that my fault? I’ve compromised in whatever way I could, not caring what effect it would have on me because I didn’t want close people around to go through what I’ve been going through. I don’t want any of the gratitude or anything but doesn’t mean the world gets to turn it around and say that I’m accountable.
Maybe I’m – I do realize now and what’s worse is there’s no going back! There’s no damn way to take any other way to make sure that I live, ever peacefully. So, it’s better to keep my world to myself. I know it’s all claustrophobic here – I’ll breathe poison but at least, I believe that I won’t be hanging between life and death. I’ll not be pulled away by being asked to do the same things I’ve asked to do for past years – things which I’ve failed to do.
Guilt kills me but I’m sorry – deeply! I’m all alone in this, anyway!
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
1 comment
You aren’t alone, many of us have been through the same emotions and thoughts…
Yes everybody hurts, but that does not make their smiles ‘pretense’ or fake. In time we learn not to dwell on the hurt, the hurt we can’t do much to change. When we think of the hurtful thoughts, we change our thoughts to nicer things, hopes dreams, daydreams…love. …anything but dwell on the hurt.
People hurt and care very much. They care that they might have hurt others and they care if they themselves hurt. But we all learn to try to fix what we can and move on, that’s all any of us can do.
Time does not heal. The hurts only fade a little, they are never forgotten. So we have no choice but to do our best to ignore them, we learn not to let them hurt us any more than they have to.
As long as you don’t have terrible health, and I hope you don’t, then you ALWAYS have the power to make your life better. It may never be the fairy-tale they told us it will be, but it is under your control and you will determine much of what it will be.
Ignore as much of the bad stuff as you can and don’t allow yourself to sit and think of those things. The second you do, change your thoughts. Instead think about one thing you would like to achieve and the next step in making that happen. Spend time thinking of the good things you can do to improve your life instead of the bad stuff that can hold you back.
It takes patience…controlling your thoughts a little, and focusing on what you might realistically like to find in life…and then taking even a small step in the direction of making that happen. Not the big fairy-tale stuff we all imagine will someday magically appear in our lives…but the realistic things we can actually find in life and set about finding or creating them.
Dwelling on the things you can’t change will only bring sorrow. Working on the things you can change is a good tool for bringing better things into your life.
Good Luck my Friend 🙂