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by ending.peaceful

Certain states allow assisted suicide. But only for medical reasons…

What about a life of nothing but sadness?
One where I hid behind different masks,
to not be persecuted.
I made you laugh.
I made you cry.
I made you not depressed
by seeing mine.

But I could never make myself matter.

Who is more terminal?
Who suffers more?

Is it not an act of kindness to end any suffering?

Especially when so many counselors shrugged their shoulders
after crying about my tales of life
with nothing left to suggest.

Is not the therapist that says there is nothing left to do
the same as the doctor who has no words but just a shrug of his shoulders.

This act with the aid of a physician
would be for the survivors
who never saw anything
but the clown, or sad man, or the imposter.

We both might find comfort that I did not die alone.


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Blankstare 7/30/2019 - 4:58 am

I’ve been doing a lot of research lately and these thoughts have come to mind very frequently.

Nice poem. Good questions. Wish we could get some answers.

Cause of Death: Suicide 8/1/2019 - 4:27 pm

I’ve been planning since a young child (~11 yrs) to kill my self by shotgun to the head the day I turned 18 and could legally buy one. (I would have killed myself much much younger 13 or 14 had I ever been able to purchase a shotgun earlier.. I always fear surviving that is why I say shotgun instead of just gun.)

Anyway, I never tried in school because I realized all I wanted was to die but I still did my best without really using any effort to maintain appearances.. and so I could brag at how much better my grades were than all the other kids. While they struggled to learn, I sailed through it, but I never used any effort or had to try extra hard. So, I stopped doing my work at all around the last year of high school and I’d skip all my classes, finalizing – these 12 years of schooling have not mattered at all to me – it has brought me no positive feelings and has been a ginormous waste of time – there was nothing I looked forward to about graduating except that finally I’d be able to commit suicide and maybe I’d be left alone for good and never have to spend time with those god terrible people again. No one in particular, they all blended together like a giant pulsating cast of soul-feeders. My last project that was required to graduate and get my diploma (yay!!) was on assisted suicide. I paid someone to write it for me but I chose the topic because all I’d thought about for the last 7 or so years had been how to, how I can’t wait to, how I need and want, how I will be able to commit suicide – now sooner than ever before – 6 months left until my 18th birthday (yay!!) I couldn’t be bothered to write it myself because I was too close to death.. but I didn’t want to not graduate or get asked questions (you got to try to appear fine to be able to get away with suicide, especially if you have stalkers or weird relatives)

I also chose this topic because it couldn’t help to research the options for people like me, people that are suicidal and in pain. Basically the report taught me that doctors in Oregon will do assisted suicide on (usually) old people with terminal illnesses only – OK so I am 18, I am not old and I have no apparent illnesses but then again, I am Poor so I never go to the doctor, plus most doctors are very incompetent. – Come to find out, this Death with Dignity Act does not help ME at all – I am still alone in this and I still am not supported personally in my right to die. I also found out that Amsterdam, I think, is pretty lenient in helping people die….. but mostly, we are alone with no help so we have to die in violent ways like a bullet to the head or overdose on pills which could be painful.

The therapist doesn’t need to say it – there has NEVER been anything left to do, but they do enjoy getting fed money.

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