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Honestly

by Wisp

I can’t even relate with myself. What am I doing?
I’m starting to get scared… if I meet my boyfriend on Aug 1st, then that’s only like 12 days way… omg really.
That’s crazy… last time we met was May 2018, sooooooo much has happened between then. Dunno what adjective to use lol.
I don’t know how to feel.
I know there’s many who have got it alot worse than me. So I feel bad for even writing here. I always feel bad for writing here. I just like to vent about my stupid so called ‘life’.
I believe he’s the only one in the world who could possibly make my life better (in real life, that is…) and that’s really sad… I’ve tried to make my own life better to no avail. It’s not working. It will never work. I just apologise for my mum for being a crappy daughter… but I know she wanted me to be happy. I know she wanted me to have a guy, maybe even have kids lol… I don’t want kids… but with that guy… yeah I wouldn’t mind… so fucked up, I know!
I didn’t want to rely on him for that (happiness)… but, I’m not nearly the only one. Many do it, and it’s a mistake. My life has been a stream of endless mistakes and I never learn.
I suppose if I’d want any rest, I should try and get it for the next few days, I’m not going to get any rest when he’s around ahahaha (unless I’m sleeping, that is… usual 8-10 hours or whatever).

I seriously wonder how I’m meant to stand 14-15 hours on a plane? I hope there’s some form of entertainment… or I’m going to go mad. Just imagine staring at the seat in front of me for that time…
7 hours was bad enough… too sleepy to do anything, I had to get up a few times and walk up and down the isles in the plane.
If only I could sleep for that whole time but it never ever works that way. Plane seats aren’t very good to sleep in…

I wish that I was never born. I really am a waste of ‘life’.
Darkness…

Meh…

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