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I am abused.

by strawberrycrown

I am abused. I’m in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend.

 Every day, I get abused by him. Not just physically, mentally too. It’s gotten worse recently… He used to call me fat, he used to call me ugly. But now it has gotten so bad that. He will scream at me, begging me to kill myself. He tells me constantly that I’m disgusting, that nobody wants me (not even him), that I’m worthless, a disappointment, I’m an unwanted, shitty person and that I’m a complete waste of space. On top of all this, my boyfriend started physically abusing me about a year ago. He used to just give me a few scratches that would gradually heal, but that soon became deep, painful cuts and scratches on almost every part of my body. Sometimes when he gets mad or frustrated with me, he will punch or slap me, usually to my face. Most frightening out of everything, he has tried to kill me on multiple occasions now. He forced pain killers down my throat for about a week, every night more and more, until he gave up on that. He then tried but slitting my wrists a few nights and my throat once. A few nights ago, my boyfriend tried to kill me again, he found some serious prescribed drugs and they were close to working. He was going to try shoving the rest of the packet down my throat the next night but I threw them away. Although he hasn’t succeeded, I’m afraid he will one day as he reminds me almost everything night that he wishes to, screaming “I want you to die!”. I just know he wants me dead more than anything now…

This story is true but has been changed in one way. There is no boyfriend. So where you see “he” or “my boyfriend”, replace it with “I”.  Now the story is true…

I am abused. I’m in an abusive relationship with MYSELF.

Depression and anxiety puts people in situations where they are in what can be described as an abusive relationship with themselves. Abuse is never okay, no matter who it’s by.

9 comments
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9 comments

Cause of Death: Suicide 7/17/2019 - 10:48 am

Plot twist. I thought this was about interpersonal abuse literally, you tricked me, so I was just going to add – once I was ass-raped, sodomized with someone putting their mouth and licking my anus and then making me taste it. The next day I was arrested on a 2nd DUI in 2 months. I had a feeling the same person who ass-raped me reported me for DUI, I didn’t know why they did or would have done that to me either… after I got out of jail, I overdosed on 700 pills. Unfortunately, I survived. Now I get raped frequently, I’ve counted 170 times since then. At this point I am just praying to die every day. I know in my heart I have nothing to live for…. and if I die, it will be the end of this interpersonal abuse. I’ve been suicidal since a young child, but I’ve never had any abuse that bad in my life before that I would literally kill myself to make it stop. The only thing is I want to die on my own terms. While the state wants me to die in one of their cages, cells.. that they have locked me in every year since I became an adult citizen.

strawberrycrown 7/19/2019 - 1:42 am

That sounds awful, nobody should be treated this way, especially to the point where you’re suicidal. Sorry if my story reminded you of your experiences.

ashadow 7/17/2019 - 11:19 am

Reading this, my first thought was to urge you to leave him, of course.
Yet when your abuser is yourself, it can be hard to leave that behind. Hard to change actions fueled by such desperation.
I’ve heard a thought, that this world already does all it can to tear one down, it doesn’t need your help any.
It’s a hard habit to break when it’s so ingrained. To try to take care of the mind, body, soul when everything inside and out is at odds.
But no one else will try to take care of us.

Simple kindness won’t cure suicidality, soothing your wounds instead of fanning the flames can be a tremendous act. I have decent self esteem, I left self hate behind quite some time ago. But it does make the days a little easier waging one less war.

Hope Dream Love 7/18/2019 - 12:38 pm

I personally found that when i got away from the external abuser my self abuse went down.
Just to kinda give you an idea about everything from someone that’s been there done that.
Also I replied to this instead of just making my own comment because I felt they went together 🙂

strawberrycrown 7/19/2019 - 1:41 am

That’s why it’s more difficult because there’s only one way to escape myself.

Gary 7/18/2019 - 9:06 am

Time to leave.

strawberrycrown 7/19/2019 - 1:36 am

What do you mean?

Rainwatch 7/20/2019 - 12:01 pm

This is very well written, I wasn’t expecting the plot twist.

strawberrycrown 7/30/2019 - 5:51 am

thank you 🙂

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