What the hell is wrong with me? I was so depressed yesterday night and now I feel like I’m on top of the world, or at least I feel good. I was ready to kill myself and now I’m like “oh, no thanks,” to that idea. That just shows you how easily your mind can change and how I shouldn’t act on impulse.
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I’m having the same experience. It might have something to do with the chemical mood ++ stack I invented this morning. Mmm, tastes like ground up lawn clippings.
Most suicides (the act, not the rationale) are probably impulsive, just because it takes a lot to overcome that last barrier of fear. It’s like you can plan your suicide for years, but it takes a trigger to make you do it.
I don’t know if you drink or take medication or recreational drugs, but those things make me very impulsive. Even something as harmless as coffee has nearly sent me over the edge. But then I guess you have to ask yourself if the impulses are good? If we’re talking about applying for a job, going on an adventure, or asking out that stranger you met, we say impulses are good and you should go for it. But when we’re talking about suicide which can be an equally valid option, we think impulses are bad. I figure impulses are just what you would normally do if you didn’t have fear. I dunno. Enjoy your up days though. Definitely don’t kill yourself until you run out of those.
Acting on Impulses can be great, I think I’ll go to the beach! Or I’m going to stop and get me one of those triple cheese burgers and a triple thick shake!
Acting on Impulses that are bad for you are not! Never act on those the out come is always BAD!
Good idea: having lobster for dinner.
Bad idea: being a lobster’s dinner.
Good idea: petting a small cat.
Bad idea: letting a big cat pet you.
Good idea: drinking a can of soda.
Bad idea: eating a can of soda.
🙂 LOL
That sounds good asf rn lmao
I feel like I shouldn’t kill myself short-term, but in the long-term I see no respite.. so I’m always arguing with myself that I should commit sooner.. I mean I’m a terrible person and worthless anyway, I shouldn’t have to live this life. I refuse to be forced to change. I’m safe for now, hopefully nothing worse continues to happen. I’m probably as terrified as I have or will ever be, (for the last few years.) hopefully that will calm down.
But at the same time, I don’t want to feel like I committed suicide because I was pushed to it by someone else who honestly wanted to see me die – but that it was a personal choice with my dignity still in tact. I guess the only reason I haven’t killed myself – it would priorly give the predators a power over me and bring them too much pleasure that a predator could only enjoy, that I die.
I guess in the end, should no one achieve pleasure from my pain, should no one account any of my recent (negative, traumatic) exposures or expositions for a cause of me committing, only then could my suicide be an act of a free spirit who desires a better place and an easy rest.
For now, I need to focus on making my way out of the lime-light, in order to live as peaceful, alone, as unbothered as possible. Because each negative interruption takes away from my true purpose and makes me less of the person that I’m meant to be and who I would be if it never happened.
Yea, maybe I am bitter because I know I have become a lesser version of myself, but even before when I was the best person I could be, I still saw suicide as a sort of salvation. But then again, that also encourages me to want to act on impulse and commit at the drop of a dime. However, that would take the dignity out of the suicide and I’d want to have maintained the inner peace that I feel I have lost in the last three years before I can feel competent and free to act, to do what is best for me.