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It’s all just a little bit of history repeating

by sansesperer

My last post was on Christmas Eve 2012. It was a Christmas wish list. I didn’t get any of the things on it.

Meanwhile, I’ve gone through another cycle of recovery and decline. Guess which part of the cycle I’m at now? Whilst I’m not quite ready to catch the bus, I’ve spent much of the past 7 years researching and planning. Some of this includes installing safety mechanisms to ensure I don’t go too soon or too hastily, whilst ensuring that I can still leave when I’m truly ready.

Looking back on my old posts from when I was at my previous nadir was interesting. It’s as if the man that wrote those posts was me, only visiting from a parallel universe. A universe in which this man was still able to feel emotion. A universe in which his emotions were – by the standards of our universe – misplaced to the point of triggering moral outrage in some. However, in his universe, our concept of emotion would be written off as being utterly ludicrous.

It’s through this lens that I made an observation: it’s time for me to tie off a couple of loose threads from my last series of posts. I’m still married to the same woman, and that hasn’t changed. If anything, both of us have become 7 years more jaded. The couple that becomes jaded together stays together, I guess. Apathy will do that.

The most interesting plot twist refers to the Other Woman. The one I referenced in a number of my old posts. She’s married now. As an added bonus, I get along really well with her husband. The reason I get along so well with him is because he’s the version of me that I wish I was. His values, his sense of humour, his work ethic … all identical to my own. However, he was true to himself from the get go and has now achieved significant success in a well-regarded profession. He also possesses the refinement that I wish I had, yet sorely lack.

I’m not envious; in fact, their wedding ceremony was one of the few things that was able to temporarily cheer me up over the past few years.

Did I have a role in resetting this woman’s expectations? Is it a coincidence that she’s gone from dating a string of men that looked like me but didn’t have my personality, to marrying a man that looks nothing like me yet has my (few) best traits and none of my worst ones? Maybe I’m giving myself too much credit.

Yes, I know this is a terribly self-indulgent post. I also know there’s a good chance that nobody that read my previous posts will see this, as they may have either been successful in either resetting their lives or ending them. But it gives me a sense of closure, as well as a chance to compare where I am in 2019 as opposed to where I was in 2012.


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hope432 7/17/2019 - 11:10 am

People looking for love in this world get disappointed. Romantic love is overrated especially in western societies. We always see some “glorious” couple on television only later to divorce. Everything is fleeting, everything is transitory.
I am sorry about your wish list. I also had my own “wish lists”. Although many of my desire didn’t get fulfilled there are others which got fulfilled, which were more important.

We need to focus our mind on the higher things and teachings of world religions and good philosophies because as I said, most things in this world are worthless. Anyway, the so called “scientists” of materialism did a good job of killing religion, life meaning and even health for many people. That’s why when people fail on material things, they look for love or rather romantic love. It’s always pointless. Even angels are imperfect.
I understand your pain.

“I’m still married to the same woman, and that hasn’t changed. If anything, both of us have become 7 years more jaded. The couple that becomes jaded together stays together, I guess. Apathy will do that.”

Love your woman, no matter what, as you are married, and above else find a meaning in your life.
Don’t choose apathy. It kills life. It’s meaningless, it’s unbearable.

Cause of Death: Suicide 7/17/2019 - 12:49 pm

This reminds me of my 2012 wishlist. I only had one thing on it, a shotgun to commit with. I’d been waiting since 2006 to commit.. of course I didn’t end up getting it, even though I gave it every thing I had. I’m still working on it though. If everything goes correct and not terribly wrong- I should be dead by October or November. Hopefully September. I was supposed to and hoped and prayed that I would be dead July 2012. That was my 18th birthday and I was finally of legal age to purchase firearms, I’d been waiting since 12 and thinking of nothing else the entire time other than how I couldn’t wait to finally turn 18, so I could end my completely horrid life. It’s so hard to need to kill yourself but being unable to because of how poor, disgusting, and terrifying the quality of your life is. Nothing has happened since 2012, I still want to die as much as I did then. Now just live with the disappointment each day of failing at the only thing I have ever wanted to accomplish. (Kill myself to end my terrible life during 2012 when I was 18 years old)

To make myself feel better, I will pretend it is 2012 still and I’m just still getting around to it (killing myself by shotgun to the head.). So, I can feel like I have a little dignity in the sense of feeling like my life is ACTUALLY mine to end when and how I had chosen to, instead of being forced to remain alive by the brain dead flock. Instead of knowing that I have done not one thing since the day I was supposed to die in 2012, except stare ahead of me and wish that I would have already committed how I planned to, on my 18th birthday in 2012.

I don’t know why I am still alive today.. I have never cared about another person and I’ve always hated my parents. I am 25 years old now, apparently I am forced by the parents I have never ever loved to stay alive even though I am grown woman. All they let me do is rot alive in their basement.

I know dead is better than any sort of life with them, or with any of the terrifying population.

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