I’ve been so sad and so afraid of everything for years. The sadness and fear eats me up everytime I wake up and start a new day, and I know that this year, it gets worse.
I’m pushing and shutting out everyone in my life, when they ask me what’s wrong or what’s going on with me, I can’t find the right answers. I’m scared. Scared of what? Of myself. I’m sad. Sad about what? Sad about living and putting a great burden on my parents. I’m so sad I want to kill the sadness away, but that only applies when I’m dead.
I don’t know how to pick myself up. I don’t know how to see the light. I don’t know anything anymore, because all I know is that darkness is all I could see and embrace. I can’t get out. I want to but I can’t. My insecurities, my imperfections, my flaws, I’m afraid they would all backlash at me when I take the chance of going outside the darkness that surrounds me.
Sleeping is hard, but I try to sleep just to get out of the reality that has been my burden. I don’t know what to do with myself as I don’t have the “friends” that I could really count on. My messages are dry, no one really cares. School, too, is pressuring me. It’s like every move I make, some people talk about me. I broke down yesterday, crying the pain out, but no one noticed. It’s okay, at least I now know that I’m really never their friend. They just pity me for being alone so they tag me on their circle of friends, but really, I would be better by myself.