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Pointless

by shatterediris

I have been sleeping far too much and eating not nearly enough. I have just sort of been existing, that’s about all. Eating maybe one small meal per day, with enough time before the last one that I can’t feel hungry. I can’t really see a point in this. Why do I even continue to live? My life will be wasted. I worry about my future but why? Just so I can tolerate 50 or so more years of this? I really should start doing drugs, but I know I don’t have the money for that…. I would miss them, and then I’d just end up even worse off. So I can’t. I’ve been cutting again a bit more in the past months too, I feel horrible about it because I had almost quit. It helps though. There really isn’t much downside to it anymore, I already am hideous and will have to keep most of myself covered up forever anyway, so adding more scars won’t do anything really. Also dysphoria has been so much worse than usual too.

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hogpotter 7/11/2019 - 10:39 pm

May I know how old are you? It gets better with time, I promise. My advice is: exercise. Cook. Take up arts, needle felting, clay pottery, whatever. Create your own website. Have your own masterpiece. I’m willing to help you.

shatterediris 7/11/2019 - 11:24 pm

Far too old. 25. Way too old.

rocketman 7/12/2019 - 9:35 am

Drywall is coming along very slowly, I have the talent lets say to learn and do an adequate job but it’s truly a major challenge I wasn’t worried about it when I decided to do it, but I always take on more than I should.

Cause of Death: Suicide 7/12/2019 - 1:37 pm

I smoke weed, it’s much better than just living day to day sober. You just forget about all the horsesh+t that the preacher and those who practice groupthink and those who believe in common sense or some untouchable need or just any of that stupid sh+t 😛

You just “get to the point” when you are on marijuana and you take care of your self with no time to worry about all the sh+t that doesn’t matter. You can do what you need to do just as well as sober, but you don’t feel like a braindead zombie that is just a member of the mindless flock or the sadistic hive while you are doing it.

Before I started smoking marijuan, I planned from a young age to kill myself the day I turned 18. I started smoking weed at 17 and although I still preferred to commit suicide the day I turned 18, at least marijuana kept me happy, healthy, humored and occupied.

That only lasted until I started getting “special attention” and the psychological clinic took my health from me. But I smoked marijuan every day from 17-22. I never had a problem affording it because 10$ can last me two days, and I don’t buy anything else because I don’t need anything else. I had no problems with it until once again I received more “special attention” when I started getting idk what to call it, followed in 2016 by either an actual member of my biological group (I disowned myself though back in 2012 when I was 18 – not legally yet), a friend of that biological group, or an uncle or neighbor. (My biological egg lender had forced me to stay with her or I would have left back in 2012, to live and prosper or to die. I wouldn’t have cared I would had just been overjoyed to leave her and them side forever.) I’m just saying: Yes, I could never enjoy life with them around.

However, they had unfortunately started to get a devilish nasty kick out of disturbing me, with me being a homosexual and them being homophobes, they began to touch me in ways I wouldn’t want to speak about, but worse than that they started following me here there everywhere – there was a time I couldn’t do one god damn thing without them there to disturb the sh+t out of me when I was finished..

Anyhow, one of the nasty buggers warned me through dreams they were going to set me up and sick the cops on me, but I didn’t heed the warning. I still don’t know who or why they decided to start following me toe for toe.. but they took my damned license for two years, all the while ripping on my homosexuality, transgender looks and touching me sexually while I slept. They must have been just trying to show off to their heterosexual buddies by following me and having the police literally rape me. I am so unnoticeable and ineffective, nobody who isn’t a complete monster f*ck up p*rverted freak would never even notice me here. And that’s just great because I’d never ever want attention from those strangers.

My license, It was the only way I had to get away from them so I could enjoy what was left of my very short life. That’s when they forced me to be unable to smoke marijuan. I couldn’t drive to pick up any. I had to quit until I paid them at least 7,000$ to get my car back two years later. The whole first year, being immobile all I could do was walk 10 miles a day, I live in the middle of nowhere and that would get me to nothing, and the rest of the time I spent smoking cigarettes and staring at the garage floor where I began to hurt myself because of them. I would claw open my skin and smash my head against concrete, but of course that is what they wanted when they set me up. Me to harm myself or potentially kill myself so they could have something to laugh at.

I finally got my car back around 2 years later. (I was raped, can you believe it, 160 times in those two years.) so I firmly believe whoever reported me was a child molester, pedophile or r*pist who wanted me to be immobile while they attacked me over and over and over again. Again, attacking me sexually to give them something to laugh at. At that point in time, all I could really think was how much better it would have been if I would have killed myself already when I had originally planned to – the day I turned 18.

So far, the courts have forced me to pay, idk, 10,000$+ since that day. And they just keep taking me into jail over and over again. I admit I don’t think those weird f+cks should have called me in, but there’s nothing I could do to stop them.

So basically the point of this whole speel, sorry it is long, is that I basically didn’t kill my self those 2 years because I hoped I could get my weed back and things would go back to normal, but it’s still weird for me kind of because those freaks that raped me 160 times in those two years for sh+ts and giggles. Basically they have stolen my personality and I sit here empty and emotionless, while every time I begin to feel like myself again, they come back around to steel that from me.

I pretty much have my life back now. 160 rapes, 10,000$ later, but I still have these random freaks on my case. People you would never notice and god would pray would never notice you.

What I mean is, in my case, optimistically I’ll just sit here and smoke weed until I get tired of that and then silently go to kill myself. Wishful thinking, I’ll be able to leave them forever before committing, which could spare me A LOT of extra time where I won’t be miserable 100% of it, but realistically, I will be r*ped to death and murdered by the masses of young and old white opinionated mormons.

Cause of Death: Suicide 7/12/2019 - 1:43 pm

I am 25 now by the way. I know I said a few times in there I had planned for 7 or some + years to kill myself on my 18th birthday, and that was 2012

shatterediris 7/12/2019 - 3:26 pm

🙁
Also I’m really not certain on weed, it does seem expensive, even $10 for two days is more than what I currently make, and I don’t do well at all working full time and have never been able to find anybody willing to actually hire me part time. (just work me full time but call me part time to avoid having to supply the full time benefits.) But I also do have the advantage of weed being legal here, for recreational use. If I do ever manage to get a job that I can keep I’ll probably look into it.

Hope Dream Love 7/12/2019 - 3:39 pm

ummm if you lived i canada i could suggest a site but i dont know if it ships to the states

shatterediris 7/12/2019 - 3:49 pm

If it’s weed probably not…. Because legality here is weird, the state says it’s legal but federal government disagrees with that. I am very close to Canada though, like I think an 8 hour drive away. xD so close yet so far.

Hope Dream Love 7/12/2019 - 4:09 pm

I looked but I couldn’t find anything would you like me to suggest anyway and you can check it out?

shatterediris 7/12/2019 - 6:08 pm

-shrugs-

WITHINtheShadows 7/12/2019 - 6:36 pm

I’m horrorified with your story. You dont have energy and self steem to react anymore. That’s sad. And mormons are so hypocrites…raping you while preaching celibacy. What a disgusting religion!!! Just because you are homosexual and that isnt a problem at all. I’m sorry for your situation.

SweetQuietus 7/12/2019 - 4:34 pm

You are a gentle and kind person, it’s so sad you are feeling this way again. What were some of the things you used to like to do when you feeling better?

WITHINtheShadows 7/12/2019 - 6:31 pm

I intend to smoke weed, eat weed, breath weed…because life is a b*tch.

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