I find it so hard to keep hold of a consistent view of reality. I’m not psychotic – I don’t see or hear things that aren’t there. But I am extremely neurotic. My perceptions of this world and it’s nature are constantly fluctuating, from moment to moment, and I don’t know how to cope with that. No matter how many times I hammer out my reasons for continuing to live, and write them down to try to reinforce them, within a few hours I’ll be gripped by despair again and emotionally convinced I’d be better off dead. It’s an endless loop.
I believe my parents would be devastated by my loss, and I don’t want to do that to them. I’m afraid of death, of the experience of dying, of it not being the end. I’m still attached to this existence, and to unrealistic dreams of a life.
But I don’t seem to be strong enough to survive in this world. There seems to be such enormous capacity for suffering all around, and it terrifies me. I want an escape. I want protection. I want to preemptively remove myself from existence before it can hurt me any worse.
I don’t know how to live with that fear – it’s utterly crippling. And I have nothing personal to face it for. I have no prospects, no future, and I’ve put myself beyond any kind of honourable life. No emotional honesty or authenticity possible here. I’m continuing to live purely because at the moment it’s the marginally less terrifying option.
But in doing so I’m making my existence needlessly painful. Because this door in my mind is still open, constantly questioning and examining whether it would be better to end things. So every little negative is picked up and emphasised to the fullest.
I need to draw a line under this somehow, but I don’t know how. I can’t function like this – terrified and despairing of this world, but too afraid to end it. I need strength. I need resolve. I need enough emotional consistency to go a few days without struggling to remind myself why I haven’t ended it as quickly and painlessly as possible.
Let’s face it, what I really need is a personality transplant – to have the brain of someone capable of clarity of perception and not hyper-reactive to every potential threat. But I’m stuck experiencing the world as I do – a terrifyingly bewildering place that I mostly just want to avoid.