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Story of my life

by SwimmingPearls

I think it all started when my parents got divorced. It was so hard for me! And im still dealing with that, even though it happened almost 9 years ago. Also, it was very hard for me when Mom brought his new boyfriend to our house as soon as she divorced. She never asked me if it bothered me to live with someone who was completely new for me, and it really did. I was always jealous because she was always with him, and they are still like that. I hate that! She replaced me with him. It was always me and her, but when this son of a ***** appeared on my life, it started being he and her. No more me!! I started staying alone in home with the kangaroo while they went out for dinner or to the theatre. Now, im adult enough for staying alone while they go out, but the thing is still the same. I loved my Mom so much!!! So much that my heart was totally broken after all this trouble. It makes me so sad knowing that it always was me,my sister and Mom;but know, it’s me,Mom,my sister and his boyfriend. Why?? I hate thinking that my Mom loves him more than me. A couple of years ago, product of the divorce and the replacement my Mom did with myself, i started developing violent behaviors and depression started growing on me. After all those family problems, i started having trouble at school. People was SO mean. I was labelled as the “weird” one and people made fun of me just because i loved horses and because i was different. I had a couple of friends at that school (And some of them still are) but there were many kids who made my infance very very hard. I don’t want to get into details,but believe me, that school was a hell for me. I was burning in there. In consecuence of my bad experience on that school, i started developing an antisocial behavior, i started having fear on meeting new people and i started closing myself so much that i began closing myself even with my parents and family. Thank god, My parents realized i was really suffering there and they changed me to another school were im comfortable enough and i can be myself with no judgement. But it’s still the same today. I am still closed with everyone (People and Family) and my violent and antisocial behaviors are constantly increasing. That several traumas i had on my life are really destroying myself and my future. Not that long ago, i realized that smoking weed was the only thing that stopped me from hurting myself or even committing suicide. When i smoke, i get very relaxed and i temporally forget of all my problems. Im not saying marijuana is a solution, cause it’s not, but it’s the only thing that relaxes me and helps me out with some stuff. Some time ago, i started developing a drug adicction with herb. I started smoking nearly every single day and i couldn’t stop. At first, weed was really helpfull but then it started taking power of me and i began being very lazy and i also started losing interest for many things. Im still fighting with my adicction. I dont want to stop smoking forever, i just want to control myself and i want to have the power again to decide when i want and really need to smoke and when not.
This traumas i had in all my life are not only destroying my life, but also my Mom’s. As she replaced me with her boyfriend, unconciouslly and unintentionally i started feeling hate towards her. Hate?? Why?? If she pays me a very expensive school,Health care,she mantains all the pets i have, she takes care of me and she gets me everything i want. Why do i hate her? I DONT KNOW! I started being SOOO mean with her. I started being a fucking ***** with Mom and trust me,she didn’t deserved it. Product of my awfull behavior, she started taking less care of me. I also feel she doesen’t loves me more. In many ocations i even got hitted by her and she told me horrible things like that im a monster and that im destroying her life and she even tried to kick me out of home more than once. I provoqued all this negative tensions between us and the whole family. I really hate myself for all this crap i provoqued. Im really desesperated and i dont know what to do and every day things get darker and darker. What the hell can i do? I started developing psychiatric pathologies and now i need to get treated under medication. In exactly 5 days im having my first apointement with the psychrist and im really scared and embarassed.
Not only i ruinned my life, but also others! Some months ago i met someone who i fell in love with. My parents have no idea of his existance and i promissed myself i will never get them to now about my romance. I just feel very ankward they to know that i have a boyfriend, and also i don’t want him to know my parents because they are crazy as fuck. I hate myself for hidding this. I feel so bad for him. He deserves my family to know about him, but i just feel so much shame! I can’t! Im so sorry about that and thinking that his entire family know’s about me and mine don’t even know’s im dating someone, makes me feel so much guilt! Also, i hate myself for being such a toxic. Several times i thought about breaking up because i can’t stop thinking about im going to destroy his life too. When i have anger attacks, i get angry with him to even tough he has nothing to do with my rage. I feel so much guilt and i don’t know what to do. I keep destroying people lives and i dont know how to stop. Concluding this summerized paragraph, i just beg this future medication can help me out. I also hope i can have the same relationship i had with Mom 9 years ago. I love her so much and i hate myself for hating her. It’s all my fault and i will never forgive myself for all the pain i caused.
Im suffering so much … and im unintentionally making other suffer too.

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LoveDogs 7/10/2019 - 1:07 pm

It is important that you by truthful and tell the psychiatrist everything. If your psychiatrist is a good one, he or she will be able to untangle all the ill feelings you have toward your mom and her boyfriend. It may take some time, but it is worth it. Best of Luck!

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