The Conflict

Reasons To Kill Myself:

• Bringing my current experience of fear, regret, despair, longing, guilt, shame, & self-hatred to an end.
• Avoiding the risk of more extreme forms of suffering in future – violence, agony, horror, imprisonment, disability, degenerative disease etc.
• Ending my capacity to negatively impact the lives of others.
• No more exhaustion, physical pain or discomfort.

Reasons Not To:

• Doing so seems likely to permanently devastate my family – my parents and sister – good people, who seem relatively happy right now.
• It would end my current capacity for positive experience – no more pleasure, enjoyment, excitement. No more beauty. No music. No more wonder at this universe.
• Finally giving up on the slim chance of happiness returning in future – no love, connection, or contentment.
• Ending any ability to positively impact the lives of others .
• Having to face the risk of a worse existence beyond death – of consciousness somehow surviving in a state of greater suffering.

Each day I make the same choice. And each day I find myself unable to face my current reality, and end up questioning that choice. Perhaps when my parents are dead, or when I’m older and closer to death myself. Maybe when my ability to absorb myself in worldly distractions is reduced. Or when all dreams of happiness are finally vanished. Sooner or later, things will get worse. Hopefully I’ll be able to checkout when they do, rather than being trapped in the misery.