I wonder if just ignore the problem is always the best way to deal with it. One person told me something that sounded almost like that. If you happen to live through an unpleasant experience, even if you got hurt by someone else, shouldn’t be the best thing to do just ignore that person that hurt you, not play by his or her game? Yeah, but only in a fantasy world that would really work. So I am supposed to ignore the fact that I am being hurt, am I supposed to ignore the fact that person X is actually hurting me? So if i don’t think about that I won’t be that much affected by it? That sounds very wise, indeed.
The other problem is self-deception. To become attached to prejudices, ready-to-wear truths, and there is no possible communication that can happen at moments like that, if each part helds its personal view, and there isn’t any much concern for the validity of what the other person is saying. What matters most is who have the most persuasive argument, be it reasonable or not. Yikes.
The funny thing is that I am person mad about the world, but yet I feel so shit about myself and about some of my choices that sometimes I don’t feel I have the right to criticize anything about the world. Or maybe is just because I heard so much about the need to vibrate not in the negative patterns, but in the positive ones, that I have become so afraid that everytime I pointed out something negative about the world, I was actually creating this negativity, and I should not do that. But forgive me, this doesn’t make any sense. Happiness isn’t built only through verbal maneuvers, and there is situations that no matter what one can say about it, it will still be a nightmare, and there will be no positive patterns to which I could link my mind to.
I read a couple days ago about stories. The power of stories, how stories actually shape reality, and how the meaning of someone’s life depend, basically, on a story that he or she shares with other persons. I already had felt a strange sensation sometimes, mainly in the past year, and it was a longing for something I couldn’t perfectly explain or even understand. It was only when I was reading that thing about stories that I realize what it was. That I was longing precisely for a story I could share among others, so that my life could have more meaning.
I am a quite anti-social person. And there is few persons that I talk to, and even with these few persons – and the number seems to be decreasing -, there is not much of a story, a strong narrative that I share with this persons. And sometimes I feel terribly lonely, as if really nobody could understand me just a little, and to that people say that’s the way of the world, and nobody can be fully understood by all persons. Okay, thats right, but I am not asking to be understood deeply, in the bottom of my heart. I remember that I had this feeling I was sharing a story with others when I was in school, there were persons which I could talk to, and it was like as if it there was a narrative that connected me and the other persons, and somehow it gave some meaning to my life. It was like I had my experience, my feelings, my aspirations, and all of that could be framed in that story that I shared with others, and this was very important to give meaning to what I lived. I felt it again, after that, of course, but there is an odd moment when it crashes. And there is no narrative that connects you with other people anymore, in fact, there is no narrative on which life could have some meaning.
I don’t know if this was clear enough, but I think that is the closest I could get to the bottom of it. I think almost all of my suffering comes from that. I just don’t want to be with people that will try to impose their views over me, i’m very tired from it, the only thing I can think about that is some people want others to be docile to them, and sometimes you don’t want to be heard, and you will be not allowed to speak, and even if you do speak, everything you say will be, if not completely ignored, at least if will be disqualified, so it is like you haven’t said a thing. It is like nothing that can come out of your mouth has any value, it is like you can’t really think, and you are incapable of making any sense. And I don’t want to be in that place. I already have been is this place for some time, and it is very humiliating.
I originally had the idea to make this post here because there was something I was perceiving and I thought it would be worthy to share. I don’t know if that has any value now, since this has become more like a personal vent than anything else. The fact is that I already made so many posts here, and I think sometimes I forget the seriousness of this place, and I really thought that none of my posts would be helpful, and maybe not even helpful for me, so it was probably a good thing to erase them. So, I am trying to be more reasonable this time, even though I don’t know if I am really achieving this goal. But that’s it.