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This is my Fantasy World

by Abandoned

Nothing feels real anymore. I keep having to remind myself that this isn’t all a “dream”. Have I finally lost it? How much farther down this path do I have to travel before I lose all sense of sanity? The hallucinations. Horrifying. My brain…..the best way to explain it…it shuts off. Just stops consciously working. I lose track of what I’m doing. Have conversations I’m not 100% I actually had. I keep looking at my husband and asking “did i just say something to you?” and i get a strange look and the answer is typically yes. I just…don’t feel mentally here any more. I keep saying I should be in a mental hospital but they keep saying I’m wrong when in reality…they just don’t know. I hide a lot from them. I hide a lot from everyone. Like how i keep having these passing thoughts of death. These images in my mind of a knife slicing my throat. My body a limp bloody mess and the words “slit your throat” echoing in my brain. Going day by day feeling like the last day didn’t even happen. But I know it did. It had to of. But it doesn’t feel like it. With each passing day I seem to fall farther and farther into my own fantasy world. Looking back, I never had a chance. How was it not noticed by people? Who am I kidding, my parents never gave a shit. I wasn’t as bad as I am now but if I was, they wouldn’t have cared. I could have been paralyzed from the waist down, they didn’t care then. I told her I was suicidal, she just pretended to care for the first 24 hours then completely ignored me. She saw my cuts and just scoffed at me.
Should I make my fantasy world end? Should I try to fix my fantasy world? Am I too far gone for that? Or the one I’m more likely to do…. Should I just keep going and ignore it? Just go about my day, or at least try to.

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15 comments

rocketman 7/14/2019 - 4:06 am

Are you getting enough sleep?

Hope Dream Love 7/14/2019 - 7:21 am

I don’t have time to sleep. And when I do (like last night) I have a nightmare.

SweetQuietus 7/14/2019 - 11:55 am

You stated that, “I keep saying I should be in a mental hospital” and indicate that you don’t have support from your family. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you contacting a crisis center or psychiatric unit to get help. You can also make an appt w/a psychiatrist for evaluation to help walk you through it.

The people in your life should not be the ones who define your worth. Inherently, I think you know that. Acting upon that believe is a big (scary) step toward taking your life back.

Hope Dream Love 7/14/2019 - 1:05 pm

They do support me but it’s like I also said “I hide a lot from them. I hide a lot from everyone.” They can’t judge something they know nothing about. And I can get a therapist. (I do know there is a difference) but I don’t want to make that phone call. And I highly doubt I’ll be completely honest with them.

SweetQuietus 7/14/2019 - 1:30 pm

I do understand more than you think, it’s just that you sound really trapped at the moment and believe that there can be better days for you. I accept you either way. It is difficult to recreate ourselves and our lives. I wish it were easier or that we had the strength plus the vision and belief in ourselves to do it.

Hope Dream Love 7/14/2019 - 1:44 pm

I know there is a way and I know I can….i think…..fixing a chemical imbalance without other chemicals to balance it back out is….difficult however not impossible. I just don’t see much of a point. Even the fixed still relapse. It’s never really gone.

rivets 7/14/2019 - 6:04 pm

That sounds like dissociation rather than hallucination. You’re not too far gone to fix it, but there is no simple bandaid to slap over it to make things, ‘normal.’ There really isn’t any such beast as normality. The problem with dissociation and other weird mental states is that they seem so much more bulbous and all-encompassing than they actually are. It’s like in Alice in Wonderland – one pill makes you larger, one pill makes you small… one moment, everything will seem apocalyptic, the next you’ll wonder what that was all about and why you were worrying.

Hope Dream Love 7/14/2019 - 6:14 pm

YAY!it’s been ages lol. I didn’t go into my hallucinations on this post for that you want to see my post titled “visual hallucinations”

a1957 7/14/2019 - 9:02 pm

I am being treated for disassociation. It is working.

Hope Dream Love 7/14/2019 - 9:36 pm

May I ask How? A type of therapy or medication?

a1957 7/14/2019 - 11:17 pm

Sure. The therapy mode is EMDR. No medication is needed.

Hope Dream Love 7/15/2019 - 12:51 am

Ok thanks. I’ll look into it. After extensive research medication isn’t exactly an option. Which in some ways is good and in others bad.

Hope Dream Love 7/15/2019 - 9:25 am

Ok just did a very quick read on it. It seems more for trauma related disorders. How does this help with disassociation?

a1957 7/17/2019 - 12:33 am

Hi, good question. So, from what I know, disassociation is rooted in trauma. Trauma comes in many forms and sometimes is repressed. Nearly all of my trauma memories were repressed. Disassociation is a survival response to trauma when the trauma is happening. Disassociation also can be the response when something triggers a memory of the trauma or even a feeling associated with the trauma. Through EMDR we relive the trauma in a supportive safe clinical setting with a therapist and while the trauma event that happened can never be erased the terror/ fear/pain that was experienced in connection with it just isn’t triggered anymore after a few exposures to the EMDR protocol. With more and more of those experiences getting reprocessed in EMDR therapy, disassociation become less and less frequent. Disassociation had been almost daily for me before treatment. Now I only experience it very briefly and that only in therapy. Great question. I hope this shed some light on it.

Hope Dream Love 7/17/2019 - 3:22 am

That actually made a lot of sense lol. Id personally prefer to keep those memory at bay. I remember enough as it is now. 😛

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