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Yuck

by Wisp

I’m hiding my real self from my boyfriend more and more often. I don’t want him to know that I’ve been laying in bed alot again (barring the time I went overseas). I don’t want him to find out how boring and pathetic my life is. I know he wants to see myself occupying myself with things to do. Well, I should open my eyes. If I have to pretend, then I guess he isn’t really right for me and he doesn’t understand me. I mean, why else would I pretend?

I foresee this falling apart in the future. He’s judgemental and a hypocrite to boot. His life isn’t really going anywhere and it’s a mess, but I’m not barking at him for it. Because, oh shock, I’m understanding!

But I can’t tell him that I’m miserable. I have my whole life ahead of me. I’m meant to be happy. Cool. I get tired of hearing that.

This is starting to get extremely exhausting having to pretend so much.

I’m better off alone, maybe. Me and him can relate in other ways. I guess that’s why I’m still with him. But when it comes to this, ugh.

If I meet him in real life again, I’m not going to be able to pretend. I won’t be able to lay in bed and do nothing for hours either (barring sleep). I won’t be able to be stuck in a room all day. Or sit at my lappy for countless hours. He’s not going to accept that. He’s actually expecting someone who is confident, like maybe even happy too. Oh god… This hurts my freaking head :/

I’m going to have to be fake the whole time… That is a big task… Yes. I just wish he would wake up and… not be so judgemental. That would be wonderful. I’d like to be able to tell him that I’m miserable and that he would actually listen to me and comfort me….

I admit I don’t really deserve anything. I’m so fucked up in the head. He’s the only person I really talk to online on a regular basis, I don’t want to blight anyone else with my patheticness.

I could only hope that meeting him in real life again would change me. Give me motivation. Make me happy. Stuff like that… but it’s only a pipe dream….

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SkyButBlue 7/13/2019 - 8:51 pm

The feeling of being lonely scares us so we end up with someone pretending everything is okay. I don’t know a lot of stuff about relationship but I think you should try opening up yourself and what you’re going through to your man instead of presuming that he will leave you or whatever. I understand how it feels to put on a show of “I’m fine, don’t mind me” and the feeling of no one can really SEE YOU. That all you wanted was not to be a SAD STORY anymore, but that everything is okay and it’s happening for real and wishing there is someone who can see you, REALLY SEE YOU, for what you are and what you’re going through. That one day, that person will love you and accept you no matter what, and you’re no longer afraid of that person seeing your vulnerabilities and flaws. But hey, if you’re really feeling that way right now, i guess it’s a good thing right? to feel something than not to feel anything. Cause i think it’s a sign that you’re still alive, living in a world where everything in life and so as life sucks.

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