I’m hiding my real self from my boyfriend more and more often. I don’t want him to know that I’ve been laying in bed alot again (barring the time I went overseas). I don’t want him to find out how boring and pathetic my life is. I know he wants to see myself occupying myself with things to do. Well, I should open my eyes. If I have to pretend, then I guess he isn’t really right for me and he doesn’t understand me. I mean, why else would I pretend?
I foresee this falling apart in the future. He’s judgemental and a hypocrite to boot. His life isn’t really going anywhere and it’s a mess, but I’m not barking at him for it. Because, oh shock, I’m understanding!
But I can’t tell him that I’m miserable. I have my whole life ahead of me. I’m meant to be happy. Cool. I get tired of hearing that.
This is starting to get extremely exhausting having to pretend so much.
I’m better off alone, maybe. Me and him can relate in other ways. I guess that’s why I’m still with him. But when it comes to this, ugh.
If I meet him in real life again, I’m not going to be able to pretend. I won’t be able to lay in bed and do nothing for hours either (barring sleep). I won’t be able to be stuck in a room all day. Or sit at my lappy for countless hours. He’s not going to accept that. He’s actually expecting someone who is confident, like maybe even happy too. Oh god… This hurts my freaking head :/
I’m going to have to be fake the whole time… That is a big task… Yes. I just wish he would wake up and… not be so judgemental. That would be wonderful. I’d like to be able to tell him that I’m miserable and that he would actually listen to me and comfort me….
I admit I don’t really deserve anything. I’m so fucked up in the head. He’s the only person I really talk to online on a regular basis, I don’t want to blight anyone else with my patheticness.
I could only hope that meeting him in real life again would change me. Give me motivation. Make me happy. Stuff like that… but it’s only a pipe dream….