I want to write this because you will one day read this. Whether it be the three of you together, or each at a different time, you will all read this. When it is called for I suppose. I also want to write this as a reminder for myself.
You have no idea how much I love you guys. All of our lives it has been us four. Brothers. The best bond I could have ever hoped for. You guys saved me. In a dark time in my life, when all I could ever dwell on is how much longer I’d have on this earth. When I would vividly imagine what my suicide would be like, how I would want to go, how I would prepare, and how it could “solve” my problems. In those dark times, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t socialize, I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t live. In those dark times all I was looking forward to was no longer feeling, no longer existing. But in those dark days there was just one thing that illuminated the darkness. You two. My little brothers. I am glad you guys were in my life because despite how badly I wanted to die, I wanted to live for you boys. I couldn’t imagine a world where I left you boys without your big brother. I didn’t want to imagine a world where I left you boys in pain wondering why big brother did what he did. Through all the pain, through all the depression, and through all the suicidal thoughts; I could not bring myself to leave you guys. There were plenty of times where I sat in front of the computer at three in the morning when everyone was asleep, and I had the urge to get up and swallow a handful of pills. But each time I felt that I was saved by the thought of hurting you boys. Thank you for being in my life, you boys saved me. I will never leave you like that.
I can’t even imagine what my departure would do to you. You are my best friend. My big little brother. Before you knew about my depression, you always crossed my mind when I had thoughts of killing myself. Because imagining what my death would do to you is the most painful thing ever. I could not do that to you for the boys. I appreciate you always being there for me. I appreciate you always pushing me to open up. I always tried to be the strong older brother with my chin held high, but in all honesty, I have always looked up to you for your strength and hardiness. You were the big brother when I couldn’t be. Thank you for being you and for saving my life. I could never leave you.