I joined a single moms online group in hopes someone would understand, but they all said, “it’ll get better, I went through it and so can you.” No shit I am. No one has any idea the pain, struggle, and sadness anyone else feels. I’m envious of people who have best friends, some one who even through your complaints and speaking from your pain will see your real spark and encourage your growth through it. Its all so sickening to me to watch the world go by while I struggle to make it every day taking shitty spiritually sucking hard labor jobs to keep my kid fed and if we even had running water I probably couldn’t keep it on. When everything breaks down….car, health, sanity I am left alone and scrambling for a breath. I went back to school and I have a 4.3 gpa on the Dean’s list. I am certainly great full for the small things in life . I am desperately trying to climb out of an all encompassing hole that wants nothing but to swallow me and my child whole and possibly leave me insane from the trying and still ever more tired.
As a teenager I suffered depression and crippling anxiety. I was hospitalized and drugged. I ran away and tried my hardest to escape the system which I found myself and my family trapped in; a cycle of suffering, generational trauma. I tried to stuff the black hole of human nature with everything and everyone. I even tried positive thinking. (That’s a joke). I have major ptsd from psychological and sexual violence done to me as a result of continually running from myself and into the arms of someone willing to take advantage of me. I honestly dont know anything or how any of this makes sense or if I’m doing anything right or if this world we live in is even real. I do know that life is hard every day and any genuine human interaction between us is the only thing that helps me stay alive, but it feels few and far between lately. I’m not in danger of hurting myself or anyone else or allowing anyone to hurt me. And some days you have to pat yourself on the back for just putting food on the table, but it sucks and it feels like there should be more.