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i dread the day any man sees me naked

by an_old_child

i have a condition in which i compulsively pick my skin. ugly brown scars are everywhere in my body. on my shoulders, thighs, belly, butt, on my back, on my neck… everywhere. i’m in shape (just been a tiny bit fat in summer lately, which i know i can fix quickly) and i’m not that ugly, but the skin of my body is awful. whenever i see some girl wearing tops or even t-shirts and have normal skin, i get this very bad feeling in my stomach and a voice goes in my head: “if only others knew you’re such a freak that doesn’t have normal skin”. i’m 21 and i’m currently dating, and i’m one of those who don’t believe in sex before marriage, and i’m constantly concerned that if i one day have to get naked in front of a man, he will hate me, in the best case he will politely keep his feelings to himself but i know he will hate me. i specially hate my butt. it has a nice shape (i wanna be realistic, not just negative) but there are several brown dots on it (acne dots, scars of my skin picking) and i have lots of stretch marks.

one time my sisters was nagging that she has lots of stretch marks because of pregnancy and i compared mine to hers and i had more! i mean… come on! she’s been pregnant! i just got a liiiiiittle bit chubby when i was 11 and that was it! i mean… me and my sister are from the same race right? but i’m uglier and have a way more terrible skin. it’s not fair.

i really dread the day that any man sees me naked. because they will hate my body. they will hate my skin.

i don’t know what to do to stop skin picking. i don’t know what to do to have a better skin.

i wanna fix me

15 comments
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15 comments

LiquidHuman 8/10/2019 - 12:07 pm

This is… Wow.
I think I’ve found my doppelganger. This sounds like my life almost to a T.
I’m 21 and I have more scars over my body than I can count, and it wasn’t until a little while ago that I kinda calmed down with picking at them. I would love nothing more than to have them just disappear one night. It’s weird how the scars I get from cutting disappear in a week, but I’ve had these for years.
Sorry, I don’t know what I was getting at. I guess I just wanted to say I relate to you and understand your plight. I know that doesn’t do shit for either of us, but I hope you feel a little better.

an_old_child 8/12/2019 - 1:49 pm

actually, i showed my butt to my sister yesterday (jeez it sounds funny when i say it out loud XD ), and she said i’m crazy and my butt is ok and few people have instagram perfect butts. i’m starting to feel like maybe we just have a distorted image of our bodies or we expect too much of our bodies? 😕 idk… hope you feel more okay and happy and fulfilled everyday

rocketman 8/10/2019 - 12:17 pm

I’m one of those who believe beauty is skin deep, I got a little confused about what to say however, I was actually in that position one time, the girl felt like you do when it came to the time that she took off her clothes she gave me a look it was very serious looking and a smirk like this is me, I actually knew what she was thinking and said WHAT? You look fine to me, anyways I guess my point is your over thinking this people in love look pass such superficial stuff.
And although we are not together any longer it had nothing to do with her looks.

shatterediris 8/10/2019 - 12:31 pm

Fine? just fine?!?!?!? :p You certainly have a way with words there Rocketman…. (this is a stab at humor, I’m sorry.)
I assume this really will go better than you feel like it will. Anybody who’s going to get upset about scars on a person is not worth caring about anyway. There might be some concern, and possibly just a warning might be useful beforehand too just so the person can mentally prepare for something much worse than what the reality will be.

rocketman 8/10/2019 - 12:43 pm

@ Shatteredirts,

Very funny! About the word fine, It’s greatly depends on how you say it! If you say it in a hum drum fashion yeah it doesn’t have the same kick as WWWOOOO HOOOO! YOU LOOK FINE TO ME! 🙂 I guess I should have conveyed that in my comment!

mayhem1 8/10/2019 - 1:01 pm

here are some suggestions i have for you that are working for me:

1. keep a relapse journal. every time you pick, mark the date and time and severity. you could rank it on a scale of 1-10 on how bad it was if you want.

you could also write down your feelings and why you felt triggered. this way you might begin to identify when you feel the desire to pick.

2. everytime afterwards, wash the areas well with body soap or body wash – not soap used for handwashing. if you have acne, use antibacterial washes once or twice a day preferably while showering. not more frequently because it will dry out your skin.

3. dry off with a towel then apply a healing ointment. try plain vaseline, it says white petroleum jelly on the tube, and then cover it up with a gauze pad bandaid. if the wounds are on your back though it’s too difficult to do this unless you ask someone else to help.

4. then leave it alone. reapply the vaseline and a new bandage at night before you go to bed, and then shower in the morning and put it on again afterwards. once the wounds have healed over and look pink or reddish, try polysporin instead of vaseline.

5. it also helps to wear clothing that covers up all the places you like picking. so if you focus too much on your legs, wear light pants instead of shorts. or a light long-sleeve shirt for your arms.

6. if you feel anxious or the need to pick, or start touching your skin, then grab onto something else you can hold instead. or you can get up and exercise or go on a walk to take your mind off, or take a shower and put on clean clothes, or go around other people. just anything that will distract you enough to forget about your skin.

7. and if you mess up, then do what i said above. but the goal is to re-train your mind so that picking is no longer a compulsive coping method for anxiety and becomes something you don’t want to do because you know the damage it causes your body.

8. set goals for yourself. a few days without picking. a week. two weeks. a month. write these dates down on sticky notes and put them up on the wall in your room to remind yourself. if you mess up, change the dates to begin from that day.

9. once you’ve reached a goal of not picking for a period of time, make an appointment with a dermatologist. they will tell you anything else you need to know about healing your skin and your scars and what treatments they would recommend.

10. there are also group sessions for people who struggle with compulsive disorders and OCD. you could ask a doctor’s office if they know of any that you can join.

11. one more thing. certain foods and vitamins and minerals heal skin quicker. Vitamin D, Vitamin A, Vitamin B12, calcium, magnesium, zinc, and protein and so on. if you aren’t sure if you are consuming enough of these talk to a nutritionist.

mayhem1 8/10/2019 - 1:04 pm

sorry i put spaces between this when typing it but when i posted they disappeared. 🙁 if its too hard to read try copying and pasting into a notepad or word document or something.

an_old_child 8/12/2019 - 1:45 pm

thanks for all the advice. no, they’re not hard to read at all.

rocketman 8/10/2019 - 1:08 pm

@ Shatteredirts,
I’m still laughing! You always make me laugh! 🙂 I’d miss you so much if you weren’t around.

visual eyes 8/10/2019 - 3:22 pm

Witch hazel for new wounds/scabs/pickings

Coconut oil, vitamin C oil, and cocoa-butter for older scars

Nothing will totally remove the stretch marks or scars (which I currently have plenty of myself). I don’t have the same compulsion as you, but I used to cut myself and my body ha stretchmarks at this point in my life.

If someone really loves YOU, they won’t care. You will still be beautiful to them my dear. I do wish everyone could feel beautiful to themselves though.

Hold your head up, you’re strong <3

an_old_child 8/12/2019 - 1:43 pm

thanks <3

muspelhem 8/10/2019 - 4:06 pm

How about going to the swimming pool or the beach? That way you can get used to showing your body to others. Maybe you’ll realise it’s mostly in your head?

Cause of Death: Suicide 8/10/2019 - 4:54 pm

Sounds like you’d be able to find a product to fix this, I’d try a beauty shop. Why not have sex before marriage? It’s just sex after all, you’d think you’d be adult enough to be able to decide when or who you should do dirty with. It’s 2019 anyway, it seems you may be holding yourself back by holding onto these rules and feelings.

an_old_child 8/12/2019 - 1:42 pm

i’m living in a muslim country, i’m forced to wear hijab against my own will, i can’t travel without permission of a man (father/husband), i can’t even hold my bf hands at university campus. i’m pretty sure sex before marriage is off the table for me 🙂

p.s. : i’m not saying islam is bad, it actually contains very good suggestions for life, but our government misuses religion to fuck people’s lives. and our society is just too traditional to allow such things

T3R3Z1 8/13/2019 - 2:32 am

That may sound weird, but a scared skin like you describe would look pretty good to me. I find it pretty unique, and as long as it isnt deeper than the skin, wouldn’t look less appealing than any other body. But thats just my opinion, I think scars dont matter. They’re part of your story now, and thats what makes you unique. Hope I didnt offend you.

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