I’ve finally accepted that I’m meant to be alone and that I wasn’t made to be around people. They are really complicated creatures that have tendencies to be awfully cruel sometimes for no good reason. They will pretend they’re your family, your friends, they will exploit you and when you’re not useful to them anymore or when they’re bored with you, they will stab you in the back multiple times. They will bring you down and break your spirit and in the end you will be the one who’s called evil. Isolation seems like the best option. Sure, it gets super lonely and sooner or later you long for any kind of human interaction, but for me it’s always more lonely when I’m around others. They don’t need my company, they don’t want to listen to what I have to say, they ignore me all the time and when I finally stop talking at all, suddenly they’re surprised: “You’re always so quiet!”, “You probably don’t like us, that’s why you never talk!”. But what’s the point of saying anything if no one listens? If you’re constantly being interrupted and treated as a ghost? That’s why I prefer to be alone. My cats’ company seems way better. I feel like they understand me and I don’t have to utter a single word. Well, they’re cats so… of course I can’t talk with them, but they’re really caring. At least this is how it seems to me. No one has ever cared about me, but every time I cry they come in my room and they seem to be concerned. One of them jumps in my lap, sniffes me and then starts crying? It sounds like a cry. And he tries to comfort me by rubbing his head against my face. It makes me smile every time. Being around people is terrifying. They have multiple masks. They can be nice to you, smile at you but in their eyes you can only see bad intentions. I am usually able to tell if someone dislikes me just by looking in their eyes. I can see contempt, hatred, violence. It’s all so visible to me. And most of the time I’m right. But unfortunately some of them are really good actors that are able to hide their true feelings without much effort and sometimes I let my guard around them down and that’s when I get hurt. I get ahead of myself and think that I could actually make some real friends, but truth to be told I have no one. Not a single soul. And I will stay alone for the rest of my life. Some of you could probably say I overthink or that it will get better in the future, but I always get left behind and forgotten. It’s like a pattern. I have no social skills. I was growing up mostly by myself, wasting my time being locked away in my room for days, barely going out anywhere at all. And this is my fault, but I can’t take it back no matter how much I regret it. The only thing left for me to do is to build the walls back again, because I’ve became too defenseless lately and this is probably when I’ve gotten hurt the most. I can’t trust anyone. Even the people I loved and cared about told me to kill myself when I revealed I’m suicidal to them. So I guess this is what I’m going to do. I’m not going to do it right now and I’m not planning any particular date yet, but I can feel it’s my fate and that it’s inevitable. For now I’m just going to build the walls back and not let anyone in, because I can at least pretend I’m alone by choice and it hurts less. I was in a lot of pain, it was driving me crazy, but the moment I accepted that pain, I became so quiet. And it’s so nice to not feel anything at all for a moment, compared to all that sadness. It’s just like that one time when I almost drowned by accident when I was still a child. I was underwater and couldn’t come back to the surface and I was running out of breath. I started panicking and struggling like mad, but then it dawned upon me that it’s the end and that I’m going to die. And I stopped struggling and suddenly I became so very calm, peaceful almost. It felt kind of good? But somehow I managed to survive when I calmed down, stopped for a second and thought. So maybe composure is the key to survival. Maybe it will save me just like it did ten years ago. But I won’t hope for anything, I don’t want to be disappointed anymore. For now I’m just going to accept my loneliness, because the more I reject it, the more I try to fight it, the more I get hurt.