i have 2 friends. one i dont talk to anymore but i will never forget. he moved away when we were in school together. but thats aside the point. my bf at the time had betrayed me. he told our friends about my depression. i didnt want to here it. i didnt want to be there. so i walked away. my friend came running after me. i knew he was there but i didnt turn around. i didnt want to hear it. he grabbed me by the shoulder and spun me around. he hugged me and then help me at arms reach with his hands on my shoulders begging me not to. “please dont do it. i already lost one friend” i never thought someone would care that much. every now and again i get this crazy idea in my mind that i should message him but in case i do go through with it…its best if he doesnt know. my other friend lost someone close to him too. and he worries about me everyday although lately i feel like ive been more of a problem than anything. my drinking and drug consumption has been getting worse to go beside my depression. and he hates it. hates IT not me. he gets why i do it but he also knows that doesnt make it right. and last night in my drunken stone state i fucked up like always. hes still sleeping but should be waking up within the next hour but will i want to talk to him….thats a difficult question. i always want to talk to him. hes an awesome person to vent to and he always listens. all i have to do is say “i need you” and hes right there but i feel so horrible and like maybe its time for our friendship to part ways. plus we dont really have things to talk about and i dont want to just talk about depression all the time thats depressing. honestly though if it were up to me id just get a shitty little apartment and live there alone with whatever booze and drugs i can get. with a stupid basic job to pay for them. however SOME people wont allow that. i need a little home and a little bakery. although these are things i want and are things i can get, Whats the point? who cares? once im dead.. no one will give a fuck. and once the people who care about me die there will be absolutely nothing left. please leave me alone to get drunk stoned and die.
i think i went off topic a bit. oh well lol