A few months ago I moved out to a new city. I thought a change in scenery would be good for me. A new job. A new life. But… it wasn’t my location that was defective. And everything still feels grey, still feels the same. But this city has some very high parking garages. Sometimes I go to them, go to the top floor. 6, 7, maybe 8 stories up. It’s quiet up there. And looking out across the city it’s peaceful. And the ground below… But, I don’t think I’d ever do it. I’m terrified of death. Terrified of lack of sensory input. Terrified of lack of thought. But that’s the point, isn’t it? To escape me? To finally get away from myself? But… I’m also pretty sure I’d botch it some how. So instead I occasionally go to these garages and look out across the city. Enjoy the quiet and the silence. And wish that one day maybe I’ll get the courage to make the peace permanent.
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Last year around April/May: I used to live in another country – it was inexplicably depressing. The locals did not speak English, I struggled real hard to get through every day. I go to the terrace of my apartment and I stare at the city lights and buildings for hours. There was a tall building kms away from my apartment, 30 something storeys, sparkled with colourful lights. The colour of lights change every minute or so. I used to stare at the lights and I could feel my mind travel to the building and fall freely from the top but 3rd floor (looked like a balcony from my place). I wouldn’t move a muscle, my tears run down, in my mind I see myself down on the floor bleeding. I was hoping I’d go to the building someday very soon.
But I never did.
My life has not changed much, but I moved again – a much better place. It is still difficult, being alone and hurt and not being able to trust anyone. But I’m grateful.
I do not know what is that you’re going through, I hope you come through.
When I was 15, I wanted to kill myself but I didn’t know how to. When I’d stand on the parking garage, I’d get the chills and fantasize about jumping off. Now ten years later, I am all grown up and all I know better now is which building is tall enough to jump off in my town and which isn’t. I don’t think I’d jump from a building downtown though because there’d be too many onlookers and witnesses. I’ve always wanted my suicide to be a completely private and personal matter, so I want to be able to commit somewhere that is unpopulated and where I can be completely alone. I wish no one were to know me, because I don’t think they really do anyhow, I wish no one could know me and my body wouldn’t be found and I would be erased from all of existence, past future and present. It’s all I ever wanted, but it’s too bad.