For somebody who loves to think deeply about things, I’m incredibly superficial. On some level the attractiveness of others is all that really has meaning to me. Craving for beauty makes up a vast part of my subconscious.
It’s not that I don’t value personality, or intelligence, or kindness. But it’s always secondary to how I view others. Someone who is visually appealing but stupid or cruel is to be desired or envied in my mind, whereas someone who is strong, wise, compassionate, or entertaining is nevertheless pitiable if they’re plain looking.
Of course, we’re visual creatures, but I think this is a particular pathology of my psychology. It might be down to my lack of close relationships with others, that I’ve never fully learned to value people for who they are rather than what they look like. I’ve somehow never managed to internalise what most take to be obvious.
This part of my mind still seems to be trapped in the mould of a teenager, idealising a crush who’s out of his league. No matter how many people I meet in real life who show me the value of personality and character, and the beauty to be found in the everyday and flawed, this part drags me back to a longing for physical perfection. I’m sure there’s a name for this delusional way of thinking – possibly it’s a specific kind of narcissism. If feels too ingrained to let go of. But perhaps if I can change my lifestyle sufficiently my outlook will naturally adjust.
4 comments
I spend the majority of my life as a smooth skipping stone tossed by a careless person. I crave depth, but really what I am is the skipping stone, across a pond that is in the middle of a deep ravine. I skip, stray, eventually stop. I stop not in the deep end, but in the shallows, surrounded by a few diving beetles and my opinions, which are meaningless.
I like the imagery.
I guess, as part of becoming more mature, you learn how to proportion your appeals with between what is being more neglected.
Can relate.
Maybe you’re simply very attuned to aesthetics. Don’t beat yourself up over your preferences – they’re deeply engrained over thousands of generations.
Think about how ugly everyone would be if there weren’t people like you and everybody just mated with their eyes closed.
What may break the spell a little is having a relationship with someone who passes your visual exam, but who then turns out to be very annoying, or just dull to date.
It’s not that you shouldn’t value looks – it’s more that someday your priorities may shift. Have personally experienced that there comes a time where finding someone you can be yourself with, someone funny, someone kind, someone interesting, beats finding the perfect physical specimen.
But that can happen organically.
For now, just try to enjoy your eye for beauty.