i cant close my eyes or im too scared, im scared to fall asleep.. and every male thats in my life or that i pass on the street regardless if i know they are good people and wouldnt hurt me i still get so nervous. its hard to admit this but i even got scared around my own father. and i KNOW that he would never ever do such a thing but from the day that i was sexually assaulted i just cant trust anyone. i trust four people that i can be around and not get scared, that is my mum, two of my sisters and my bestest friend. i dont even trust myself because i think about hurting me all the time. i think writing my feelings here are really helping me though. amazing how just doing this has taken the edge off my thoughts and pain.
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4 comments
Deeply sorry for your traumatic past. Nothing can undo what happened but I hope you’ll be able leave that behind someday. What to say, man is just a rabid beast. But even animals don’t do that shit I guess.
thankyou, your words r very appreciated. i so desperately hopr to leave this shit in the past but flashbacks and the feelings o it all r overwhelming at this stage
I don’t like males either but I also don’t like woman who like males. I don’t like any of them, I avoid them the best I can. Somehow they find a way to sneak into my head and rape me when I fall asleep at night which is pretty weird. I don’t fear them, I just don’t give a sh*t about them. I try to just look the other way. I would rather just die but I don’t know how to kill myself. And that’s the only reason I am still alive. I’ve been trying and wanting to kill myself for the last 15 years. Of which have all been completely empty…..
15 years…icant imaginee, your very very strong for lasting that long, i really really fucking hope and pray u keep fighting till your in a happy place and by the way ,,,…this is crazy, i cant beleive someones the same i hate all of them too, they all make me cringe, the reason im still alive is that im an aunty and those kids deserve good treatment and that one sliver of hope to grow up successful and im that hope for them. their parents arnt helping them they are forcing them to go down the wrong path, so i feel very stuck. i know how to do it , i have the tools to do it right infront of me but i just cant imagine where these kids will end up if im not there to protect them