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by unknown

this is going to be really long and I don’t expect anyone to read I just need to vent or whatever. so I have never been diagnosed with anything, mainly because I am scared to disappoint my parents again after what my sister went through. I can remember I was always happy as a kid, at least my mom says so. it wasn’t until I was 11 I remember feeling so lonely in my group of friends. sad and unmotivated. quit all my activities because of how uninterested I had gotten. then came the distancing from everyone and everything. I think what triggered it was my losing my nanny, my second mom. several “attempted suicides” mainly me sitting in bed with pills, or standing on the side walk wanting to jump out. And it was when I was 12-13 when I self harmed. I eventually stopped because I moved and threw out my razor. ever since then I just been the same way. and now that me and my sister talk more and talk about our mental health she says she thinks we could be bi-polar. I never thought I could. my dad was diagnosed with bi polar disorder. And it wasn’t until recently I have become more aware of “symptoms.” thoughts of suicide, unwanted thoughts, major anxiety, manic episodes, impulse decisions, trying to take on new things, but just becoming uninterested, disconnected socially literally have no friends, being super emotional, crying out of no where for no reason, or being super hyper. hard time focusing, thoughts overwhelm me, excessive sleep or no sleep, cleaning the entire house randomly, very frustrated easily, starting fights and arguments, restless, not being able to sleep, paranoia extreme. there is so much more I have been documenting things throughout the last few days. maybe I’m over dramatizing it I don’t know. I just want to document this for the next time.

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