A quiet fury

So two people from here I’ve talked to for the past 3 years are no longer messaging me at all. Idk what I was even expecting tbh. I cared for them both so much, but in the end, all I could’ve done was try to be there for them both. Now, with the other person I deeply cared for potientally attempting this morning while I was at work unable to try to persuade them one last time to plesse try to get help from someone who’s around, I feel a bit empty.

Idk. I’m trying so damned hard to make something of myself. To get to a point where I can stabilize and eventually go back to school and make something of myself. To find something to focus on and excel at instead of just winging it like I had been the past few years. Yet here I am, ranting, again… I’m getting so angry. I have work early in the morning and I cannot sleep, and I’m thinking about them. The both of them. The worst part of all this is that, they only exist to me. Noone in my real life knows of these people, minus my best friend, and for the sake of privacy I hadn’t said anything of her SP life(he didn’t really know of the other girl). I feel as though I have to suffer in silence. Move on like they didn’t exist, even though they were some of the only people I consistently talked to since my lowest point when I started here.

What do I even do now? I guess I’ll hope that they’re both still alive and one just wanted a break from me, while the other got the help she needed. I just hate not knowing. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Maybe I’ll get a message from one or both of them here. Maybe they’ll at least see this and know I’m still here thinking of them. Logic dictates that I assume the worst and move on, so that I don’t completely shut down and destroy myself. I hate losing people, intentionally or otherwise.