Co-worker took his life..we know so little and yet so much.

I found out this morning someone whom I’ve known for years took his life over the weekend. We’ve both been working for a non profit organization for almost 10 years and I’m deeply saddened. I wish I had taken the time to get to know him more, and maybe he would have known he had someone whom he could actually talk to.  We’re surrounded by people at work whom we share ”niceties” with, or what most most refer to as small talk. And honestly I’d just as soon skip the small talk with most people at work. They’re not bad people exactly, it’s just I know majority of them could care-less about me or what I’m going through, so I generally don’t give into the small rather meaningless bullshit chatter around the water cooler. He was one of those people whom I felt was genuine and real. And on a few occasions we would talk, but it was usually in passing and only for 5-10 minutes max. Not really enough time to dig beneath the surface to truly understand who they are beyond the outer layer. And for people like myself and I can only imagine or speculate he was the same way. We’re layered thick to preserve our inner core. And I’m saddened I never had the opportunity or time to know him on a deeper level. To truly connect with him. Probably because I’m a selfish piece of crap that didn’t put myself out there. To be vulnerable with someone whom you don’t truly know and understand their intentions or heart, is for me one of the hardest things I face. I’ve probably missed a lot of great friendships because of my lack of faith in the human condition and my ability to be vulnerable despite the outcome. And I’m saddened because I didn’t have the opportunity to try and talk him down or out of something that is irreversible and irreparable. Because I know I would want someone to know in my life whom could relate to what I’m facing or going through. Someone whom could just listen without implications or judgement and trying to tell me what I’m doing wrong or how I should be this or that. Just to have someone whom would listen and be understanding.  And yet I don’t have that kind of connection in my life either and I think this just hits home for me. Because ultimately I know there will come a time again where I’ll be back in the valley facing my demons, and unsure if I’ll have the strength to fight them. Ivan my friend and co-worker, I hope you found the solace you were after. RIP kind sir.