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by nutjobcantlove

I am crazy!

Everything around me is driving me crazy. I wish my life is taken right this moment.

There is no one I talk to. There is no friend. My family that lives thousands of miles away finds lame excuses to not communicate with me. The guy that I was dating (at least that’s how I was thinking)  was a manipulative narcissist that abandoned me (multiple times), friend zoned me and called me crazy.

It’s like a pattern. People enter my life, emotionally murder me, walk right out.

Can I just leave all of them and live like I don’t care? Yes. But they keep coming back to me to abuse me. Make use of me. I am sick of all this. I am so not ready for this world.

My humble request to fellow humans: please don’t call someone “crazy” because you are dishonest and scared of exposing your true self. Please don’t abandon someone for loving you. Ignoring/abandoning is abuse too.

I am tired.


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Cause of Death: Suicide 9/14/2019 - 3:46 pm

I hear if you get told something enough times you start to believe it, probably in reference to your screen name. Definitely verbal abuse. I’ve been threatened to be murdered before and little old me didn’t even know why. Also I’ve been threatened to be murdered in the middle of being raped. Exactly I conscientiously choose every day to live 100% alone, but they keep coming back to abuse me. Yet their form of abuse happens to be rape or murderous.

Cause of Death: Suicide 9/14/2019 - 3:47 pm

There has been no one I talk to since I was 10 or 11 years old.

nutjobcantlove 9/15/2019 - 1:19 am

I have been reading your posts for years dear. I know how hard it must be for you. Humans are vicious predators. I wish I could be around to give you a hug.
Thank you for your comments, this is literally the only platform where I am me. It is so scary how people can have hidden motives and walk around like nothin’s wrong. I did not know of all this as my parents were over protective and all they taught me was impractical morals that doesn’t seem to apply anywhere in this world. Since the day I moved out I have been living alone. I have been judged for being alone by almost every involuntary acquaintance.
And the friends that call me to whine about their silly ass problems like “husband didn’t get me a present”, “my baby didn’t poop today” I’m like.. seriously, these are your real world problems?
I hope you find a way to stay far from the abusers. Stay protected, sending you love.. <3

Cause of Death: Suicide 9/15/2019 - 2:49 am

Hey, I’d say you can choose who you aqcuaint why the hell would those stupid retarded assholes bother you any way? God I can’t f*cking stand those nasty heterosexuals. Like is that even a real word , husband? I haven’t met one man worth shit lol. It’s really a horrible problem, it’s all those hideous ego problems. Hate for those genes to be passed on lmao. Waste of the next generation, got dam. Just looking for trouble for no good dam reason

bruiseviolet 9/14/2019 - 5:18 pm

Constantly getting hurt is so tiring and draining. I hear you. It sounds like you’re a nice person and expect others to be the same, but they’re not.

People can be so selfish and cruel, I don’t know why.

nutjobcantlove 9/15/2019 - 1:26 am

True. I can’t understand either. I learnt not to expect others to be the same as me, but it would be nice to know their intention instead of playing the guessing game. My guess is wrong every single time.

Cause of Death: Suicide 9/15/2019 - 2:51 am

How could they? So you don’t have any similarities and don’t agree, then why the h*ll, then you WOULDNT NEED THEM. If they serve you no purpose, why expect any got damnd thing from them.

Soda 9/15/2019 - 10:44 pm

It’s sort of a catch-22 situation you’re in, reminds me of trying to get a job with no experience or date someone when you haven’t dated. When you’re alone, nobody really wants to be your friend and that’s actually when you need people the most around you.

If I was in your situation, I’d first decide if any of my relatives were worth your time and effort. Meaning are they good people and if you worked hard to rebuild a relationship would it pay off in terms of having someone reliable you can turn to?

In my case I have some relatives that are great and some that are not-so the ones who are decent, I’ve actually worked to make a better relationship with them. The others, I put very little effort since they’re mostly scumbags, leeches/ingrates not worth my time.

See your friends/lovers in the same way but even before you get there you must first value yourself. It takes time and practice. For instance in high school I had very low self esteem. I had to basically practice (on my own) some small talk, greeting others while seeming confident. You do it often enough it becomes second nature and sometimes I think back to how weak I used to be and how far I came since then.

It seems you’re letting people use you for their benefit. So you just need to put your foot down if you don’t like the way you’re being treated. You must have something to offer if they keep coming back so that’s your leverage.

You have to pretend to have friends to make new friends (if you don’t have any). Appear to lead an active social life and then people will feel safe being your friend and that’s how you’ll make even more.

While my life has been discouraging to me for many reasons, fortunately I played it smart with most of my relationships, knowing my limits and where to press my advantage.

I feel lucky that I have a few people I feel I can truly trust and rely on and a few friends who’ve been there with me through thick and thin. One always wishes for the ‘perfect’ friend or relative but there’s really no such thing so you have to make the best of what is in front of you.

One other point, sometimes you really are better off alone then having bad people in your life. I got rid of a few toxic people in my life and never regretted it once. In fact I look back and wish I did it sooner. Of course we are social beings so if you don’t have anyone decent in your life and need the company then hang onto them until you are able to make better friends. I’ve done that also.

nutjobcantlove 10/6/2019 - 6:45 am

Thanks! I can make friends but I have become anti-social bcz I have been back stabbed a lot of times thereby my trust issues. I’m in my cocoon as I feel insecure outside my own space.

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