i need a long hug

ever feel so broken, you dont dare hear your own thoughts?
you tell yourself things others wouldnt dare say, you assume
thats what they want to say, you tear yourself apart,
as if there were many of u, each bearing a different face,
like those cyberbullies on social media, with each word they yielded a knife,
stab after stab, hit after hit,
you’re twitching on the ground, barely able to feel anything,
inside youre barren, they not only gave you pain,
they took it all away, even your pain.
now you have nothing, not even your own feelings,
because they invalidated every aspect of you,
even your right to feel.
you feel torn, crazy,
you want to speak, you want to scream at the world,
you want someone to embrace you, you want someone to care,
yet when that someone
comes to tell you they love you,
comes to tell you they want to hug you,
you say no.
not because you don’t want it,
but because you knew, that if you did,
you’d disappoint them,
because you weren’t worth the love,
then when they leave, just like everyone in your life did,
you would feel something worse than nothingness,
and that unknown is darker than any darkness you’ve ever known.

can someone tell me,
why did god create me,
such that i knew how to breathe
without being taught,
yet it feels like something so foreign,
confusing and draining a chore,
that it leaves me
physically hurting with every breath i take.