Just draining

I’m not living in the fool’s world, I swear. I’m considering myself neither as a victim nor as a person who harms people. Still, I know there’s a world of people who is angry, offended, hurt because of me. Some have turned away and some didn’t. And I’ve stopped thinking what hurts more. I’m otherwise fine, really. I drain myself everyday, pay no heed to my train of thoughts and simply wake up and get going. I crash to the bed and sleep. I eat – better than earlier. at least, I can stand the sight of food without feeling nauseous. I trust less and watch more.  I’ve figured out the people in my life who causes pain and put them aside. I’m sorted you see. Enough to walk around like normal self. My medications seem to have successfully programmed me.
But yet all the time I feel like dark dense overcast over my mind and that I need to curl up in a ball and weep. Die crying someway. I don’t from where this pain is coming from. I can’t find its source but even if I do find it, I don’t want to kill it. Coz I’m afraid if this goes away, there won’t be anything left inside as emotions. I need that for myself, if not for the world. I will miss it terribly. This unknown pain from the anonymous source feels so beautiful that I want to die here — Alone by embracing it to its full power!