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On the verge

by still here2

If I am writing here right now, I guess it means I have come to a breaking point. I just can’t take this crap so I will get it off my chest. Second, sorry for my English, it’s just too bad.

I have been trying to beat all this crap for 15 years already. 15 years of sadness and tiredness with some anger. But during the last month, something has changed. All I feel is pure blind anger because there is no way out of this.

You can get the picture. Ignored, alone, everyone treats you like shit, no money, more and more tired, more and more depressed, insomnia… Yes, grow the fuck up, do something for yourself, that’s what everyone tells you. Well, I fucking did it for 15 years:

-Eat healthy, do sports. I do. I am actually in a good physical form. I guess I would be in a worse situation if I didn’t.

-Get some help. Turned to my friends, told them there is stuff they don’t know, that I would like to get something out of my chest. They went radio silent since then. So much for humanity.

-Get some professional help. Went to the doctor. Told her my situation, that I needed psychological assistance. Her solution? Vitamins! BTW I live in a banana republic as you can guess by now.

-Be hopeful. “Bad situations don’t last forever”. I was hopeful, but not anymore, things have gone worse and worse.

I was grown up alone with a depressing lonely family. Beat up at school. Raped systematically by a sick person. I have never been an unstable person, or toxic, or rude, I helped people whenever I could. But obviously with such a childhood I am extremely serious and boring, which is a barrier in every single encounter in my life.

Now, I have no money, I have a huge debt (somebody sold me a faulty thing and the State made gave me a huge fine), and a shitty job in which with in this mental condition I will be fired sooner than later. Next stop: the streets.

I read in blogs about depression about all this shit about being optimistic, cherish the positive stuff, take vacations, have a healthy diet… Well, I could trick myself about the absent positive stuff, made it up just for my mind. But in this country you cannot take vacations. I cannot rest. The doctors won’t “give” me a temporal leave. No treatment. No nothing. Could at least give me a friend? Couldn’t at least give us a friend so we wouldn’t kill ourselves out of desperation?

I’m not thinking about killing myself, no way. But for the first time, I have just done something “bad”: out of anger and with nothing constructive so say, I am writing here to say how ridiculous it is to give advice like make more friends, be positive, take some rest, when it just can’t be done for some of us. Well, sometimes it is all problems in the same moment, and ending up in a situation so difficult where there is no possible solution.

I hate this fucking society. I wish we were in a time in which at least the common message by “thinkers”, politicians, celebrities and every dipshit around us told the truth: grow a pair, life is a shit, only the strong survive. But no. And this is what I hate most, they are selling us bullshit like equality, freedom, rights, solidarity, as if history was in a direction to some fucking utopia. The zeitgeist is a bad sad joke, a lie, to keep us all down, telling you are privileged and you can fix your situations because there are “bigger” problems. Telling us to trust all these liars because they are going to bring us a better society.

Well, now that I have said this, let me tell you something good, bad and real in the same time: life is a fucking shit. But it is all you have. Stick to it to the bitter end. And most of all, NEVER feel guilty.

 

Stay strong brothers and sisters.

3 comments
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3 comments

Yoges 9/29/2019 - 12:33 pm

I really admire your strength in holding fort for so long, given the terrible childhood you had. Life indeed is a recurring bullshit, but all power to you if you are striving to fight it to the end.
I know you’re sick of sunshine advice but have you tried some kind of meditation routine? Its a slow grind but might help with your anger issues in the long term.
You too stay strong ?

Tryin 2 liv 11/26/2019 - 6:21 pm

Hi. Sorry for late response. I am a mess. Yeah, I meditate every morning. Music, breakfast, meditation, read, exercise.

And thanx for the responses. You people keeping this website are doing a very good job, I am sure you are improving so many lives.

On the other side, it is a bit sad to see this website with so much activity, I mean, so many people suffering and calling for help, just like me. So many lives torn to pieces… it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

And most of the times it’s just pure cruelty from most of the people. Most of the people suffering just want a bit, just a bit of help and compassion. And we don’t even get that…

Then again, thanx for the replies.

Cause of Death: Suicide 9/29/2019 - 7:54 pm

Yes, I have been planning to kill myself by shotgun slug to brain for about 15 years….. just recently, 3 years ago I started to get stalked and raped. I have no idea why. Hey, at least there is a way out. I mean I don’t know what I can do now after I have been tortured and maimed and completely disabled by the amount of times I have been raped in the last three years…. 180 .. I counted

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