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Ready to disappear

by Wraith

I’m currently feeling lower than I have in a long time. I’m on the brink of quitting my job that has abruptly gone downhill, I’ve lost the few “friends” I had over the past year, I’ve given up hope on ever attracting a woman and starting a family, I’m constantly reminded of how unattractive I am whenever I go out in public, and even my own family despises me. I have absolutely nobody in this world and the resulting depression is tempting me to run away from everything for good. All it will take is one more bad event and I’ll be taking the next bus or train to a desolate area of Alaska or Nevada where I will disappear until I die of starvation, thirst, hypothermia, hyperthermia, wild animal attack, or something else. The way I see it, aloneness beats the hell out of this loneliness I feel every goddamn day of my intolerable mistake of a life. Everything is crumbling around me and I am left scrambling for the exits. The only reason I’m still alive after three decades of abject misery is because I’m too cowardly to end it. I have no reason to live whatsoever. I have never fit into this despicable society and everyone starting with my own mother would be happier without me in it.

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rdytoleave 9/7/2019 - 10:12 pm

Just wanted to say I read your post, and empathize with what you’re going through…this world is indeed despicable, whether by deliberate or ignorant action, and by negligence/indifference; however, there are some good decent people, and I try to remind myself that they are worthwhile, that perhaps I should stay on this Earth, that however insignificant it may be I can try to help. It’s hard though, and when you’re in pain, when you are not strong, it all gets overwhelming and just quitting the whole thing feels appealing.

deathisnear 9/8/2019 - 6:51 am

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

Life is indeed overwhelming and I question whether it’s worth continuing on like this any longer. The few worthwhile moments that I experience in any given year are greatly outnumbered by the times I feel tired, stressed out, anxious, frustrated, lonely, and depressed.

I know that I would be infinitely happier in a different environment (e.g. on the fringes of civilization and having more freedom/privacy/autonomy than I do now), but getting to that point would require decades of grinding it out day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year in a suffocating large-city environment that I absolutely abhor. I have neither the tolerance nor patience for that kind of long-term endurance test. I’m already ready to break.

imserious 9/7/2019 - 11:44 pm

I have also felt like a coward. Often something will push you over if you wait. But also it’s not too late to move somewhere new and find new people. Remember that.

deathisnear 9/8/2019 - 4:27 pm

I’ve been waiting for such an event to push me over the edge, but am quickly losing patience. To my credit, I have been “scouting” other areas while traveling around the country and have found a few places that might suit me better than my current location. Of course, the biggest hindrance is finding a way to support myself unless I become entirely self-sufficient (which is nearly impossible these days because of things like property taxes and health issues).

Teresa's Child 9/8/2019 - 10:43 am

I can also relate to what you’re going through.

I don’t think you’re as unattractive as you think you are. I see a lot of people (I’m sure you do too in a big city environment), and a ton of them are unattractive in my opinion, yet they’re in relationships.

I’m single as well. Not attractive, but not downright hideous. I’m pretty sure I’m single because of my mental issues, and that’s very fair. I don’t necessarily want to be in another relationship, because those ships sink real fast when I’m on them. Some people just aren’t cut out to be in a team. Some people are just solitary by nature. I’m one of those, I guess. If I actually loved someone (unlikely as I’m a misanthrope), I wouldn’t put them through the experience of being in a relationship with me. When I realized this, I realized that I’ll be single for the rest of my life, and I’m perfectly okay with that.

What I’m trying to say is, I think you can find a partner if you try. Maybe some lessons on how to fake-behave from a counselor, maybe some changes to your wardrobe, and I’m sure things will work out. Relationships are built on lies, and pretending to be someone you’re not is a fundamental part of it.

deathisnear 9/8/2019 - 4:25 pm

While I’ve gotten used to perpetual singlehood, and have learned to enjoy my own company, I find that I can deal with this a lot better when I’m not around other people who show public displays of affection right in front of me. This happened again earlier today and it totally distracted me from the sporting event that I was attending.

Similarly, I can handle my unattractiveness better when I’m not constantly being reminded of it and feeling like I’m being judged by others. Simple things like being treated worse than other customers in stores and restaurants, and noticing women not even looking at me while talking to me has added to these feelings of self-consciousness that started when I was mercilessly bullied in middle school, isolated in high school, and rejected by women in college and beyond. I never feel like this when I am truly alone, such as in the privacy of my home or in nature away from other people.

This is why I have always contended that being alone while being surrounded by other people is infinitely more deflating than being truly isolated. Even solitary confinement in a prison sounds better than being forced into social situations that fill me with crippling social anxiety. It’s one of the reasons my urge to escape from my current living and work situations has intensified over the years. I figure, if I’m never going to feel like I’m part of society, then my best bet would be to leave it altogether.

headupunderdarkcloud 9/8/2019 - 7:24 pm

Man, relationships, I don’t even understand them anymore. So much work..but maybe that’s what’s special about them, investing your energy in someone.. I just know better that I’ve gotta be in a more harmonious, balanced way first before taking on dedicating time and attention to another

Cause of Death: Suicide 9/11/2019 - 9:48 pm

ya like I always said one more bad day and I’ll kill myself, lol. Then I started getting r*ped often…. so I started slamming my head against concrete trying to die from blunt force trauma. It must be my punishment from God for being a homosexual. I wouldn’t say like you that they’d be better off without me, because I am already so completely alone that no one else even exists to me. I’d just simply be better off dead. I’ve been ready to die and trying to commit for the last 15 years… but I just never actually can…..

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