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Wrong Way

by melanin91

Not too long ago, I was very suicidal. I had all these people “around” me yet, I still felt so alone. I felt unappreciated, uncomfortable, invisible; like I was screaming for help and no one bothered to stop and assist me. I felt as though there was nothing I could do right and my self-esteem had hit an all time low. I sat on my couch one day and I thought, “this is it.” There’s no use for me here anymore. I mean “would anyone truly miss me if I’m gone anyway?” But wait Elsie! “What about the kids?!” Oh you mean the kids you’re always yelling at because you’re so angry for reasons you don’t even know why? The kids you’re too tired to spend time with because all you do is work and when you’re not working, you let your depression take over. You mean the kids you’ve scared and made cry because you’ve gone on rampages in the house, broke numerous TVS, punched walls, flipped tables, turned into a complete monster that even you couldn’t control?? Ooooh those kids, “they’ll be fine.” Plus they have people in their life who believe that they can do a better job anyway. “What people Elsie?!” You mean those same people who make you feel like you’re not good enough?? The same people that you have around you who don’t even see or hear you?Those same people who have brought you to this very place you are now? Oh those people?!…
Google: “How to kill yourself without feeling anything or suffering?” Damnit! Nothing useful! It’s all about getting help and overcoming! Lmao! “Tried that!” But wait!! I do have some sleeping pills that the doctor prescribed me. Maybe if I take the entire bottle, that’ll work. Goes into bathroom…alright “This is it!” I bet they’ll regret the way they treated me! Regret not hearing me!! Regret using me!!! Regret not seeing me!! Regret leaving me alone!!!! Wait, wait, wait… “THEY?!?!!” “THEY ELSIE?!?!” I thought this was about you? I thought this was what you wanted? I thought you were doing this for you?? Because you were suffering, and you were tired… “THEY?!” THEY are going to keep living and you, you’ll be dead. If there is any regret and they do decide to change, it’ll be too late for you; too late for you to change. And how will they even know it’s because of them? “I’ll leave a note.” So let me get this straight…you’ve made your entire life about them and now you’re making your death about them too?!…
Sits in silence on the bathroom floor with tears running down my face. Elsie “do you have ANY thoughts about yourself that actually come from yourself?!”…
Yeah, I do actually! But, I’ve been put down so much I’m not sure if any of it is true…what I believe. “WHAT YOU BELIEVE?!” You’ve got to be kidding me! Alright we’ll come back to that because I still need time to process that statement. So, tell me something positive about yourself, for instance, do you think you’re beautiful? Yeah I actually do! But, I’ve been criticized for not having great skin or for being so dark and you know I love my body but, it’s not necessarily what society accepts or thinks is beautiful. I love my hair but, some people would think it’s just nappy, or that I don’t comb my hair. Some even ask if I’m from Africa. Look at me, a dark skin woman with natural hair. Who’s gonna think that’s beautiful versus a lighter skinned woman with straight hair or extensions? Wow!
So what about skills? Think you have any? Yeah I believe I’m a phenomenal writer but, when I share my work, not too many people really seem to care or appreciate it. Not like they do funny videos or memes. Idk I’ve seen others work get a lot of attention and appreciation…maybe my work isn’t as good. Plus, I see everyone doing their thing and then there’s me, I feel like I’m going nowhere!! I am STRUGGLING!
So, you mentioned “Motherhood?” Truth?! I think I’m a great Mom! I mean there’s always room for improvement but, I really do try my best! Yeah I could work on a few things but, I’m not perfect you know. I know what I need to work on, I just don’t know where to start especially with my anger issues. I see these moms who seem to handle motherhood so much better then me. They get to spend a lot more time with their kids then I do. I’ve also been criticized so much about that and people make me feel guilty when I do one little thing for myself or want just one day to myself. My kids cry when I leave for work but, how else am I going to pay the bills and provide for them?
Do you think you’re a good person? Hell Yeah I do! I’ll give my last, I’m VERY understanding, I’m very forgiving and I don’t judge. But, the minute I do something to someone I don’t get the same in return. Granted, I have done some fucked up shit I’m not proud of but, I’m human and I make mistakes. I’ve been told I’m not a good person, I’ve been told I’m evil and I’ve been told I need help. I’ve been abused…I’ve been used…and here I am ALONE! On the bathroom floor with a bottle of pills in my hand. “IM READY TO GO! THIS IS IT FOR ME!” Is it it for you, or is it it for them? Because it seems to me as if you have no issues with yourself, you know exactly who you are and what you need to do and where you want to go in life…it is them who have implanted these issues within you.
Answer me this without involving anyone else or anyone else’s views about you. “Why are you doing this?!”
Nothing came to mind… I couldn’t think if a single reason.

Moral of the story is, when you think about it, most of us have such low self esteem or commit suicide because of what we have let others instill within us about ourselves, it has nothing to do with what we actually believe ourselves!! “But, I’ve been put down so much, I’m not sure if any of it is true…what I believe.” NEVER and I mean NEVER let anyone’s opinion of yourself trump your own! We are all human, we all make mistakes! It’s about accepting responsibility and learning from those mistakes. You can fall down 10x but, as long as you get back up each time you’re a true winner. As far as being alone. You see, I realized that God removes people from our life both permanently and temporarily. It is because those people are simply not meant to go where he plans on taking you. Those were your steppingstones; they were placed there to help you get to where to you needed to be. Those unfortunate situations you got yourself into were just wrong turns you made; a shortcut you thought you could take to get you to your destination faster. But, ended up at a one way and eventually had to go back around to your original route. And for those that were removed temporarily, they just needed to go because you needed some alone time. Some time to reflect and rebuild. They also needed to go because you were treating them like the “ permanents” and they didn’t deserve that now did they. God will bring you to your lowest to prepare you for your highest! So, I looked at those pills…I laughed and I got my fine, chocolate, natural hair wearing, nice body having, great mom, great person, I’ll get to where I need to be in time just have to be patient, ass off that floor, put those pills back and walked right out that bathroom! I had made a wrong turn but, thank God for GPS. Where the fuck did I think I was going?!! ??????


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Teresa's Child 9/8/2019 - 10:33 am

Wait, why? Why should we never let anyone else’s opinion trump our own? Why are we right, and other people wrong? It seems to me like the more people judge our actions, the more objective the judgement gets. It’s all well and good to say these nice things, and I’m not trying to be mean or undermine your experiences in any way, but at the same time, just changing your perspective and ‘valuing yourself’ without any justification rings a little hollow to me.

Clearly it’s helped you, and that’s great.
But I don’t think that fix is a permanent one.

Yoges 9/8/2019 - 10:38 am

What a great read! Indeed, you are a damn good writer, Melanin!
Welcome back to life. Here’s hoping you stay on track ? Your kids need you around no matter what.

Ennui 9/8/2019 - 1:54 pm

Yup you’re a great writer, that’s for sure.

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