I am 16 years old. To you i will most likely seem like a typical depressed teenager. Maybe that is in fact the case. All i can tell you is that i feel like i am different. And i like being different.
I am not searching for somebody to tell me it gets better, to go see a psychiatrist or take medication. I don’t want that and i’m sick of reading it. I just want to feel like my world is bigger than it usually is. I want to feel insignificant, that anything I do wrong is not a catastrophe and that anything i want to do i can because nothing is holding me back.
The reality is, in theory, my life is ideal. I live with both my parents and i have a dog. I do well at school (except for last year when i kind of collapsed in on myself). I have a good group of friends. I’ve traveled to many amazing places such as Greenland, Europe, the US and several places in Canada. I have so many opportunities at my disposal. I have access to a good education. I should be happy. I have no right to feel this way when so many people all around the world are dealing with situations immeasurably worse. I struggle to imagine why people in bad situations don’t just kill themselves when i myself am constantly thinking about ending my life. A constant prayer (though i don’t believe in any religion) to disappear from the world.
When i was little, maybe around 10, i started unlocking and opening my window a sliver at night. The purpose of this was to make it easier for somebody to come a take me away. I had this fantasy that somebody from space, from the government or a ninja would snatch me from my repetitive monotonous life. Of course, i don’t believe that anymore. But, i guess in my mind i have been hoping for the same thing for so long that i still wait for something to happen. I still leave my window unlocked. I use this as an anchor to life, telling myself that maybe i will manage to be unique and truly stand apart. This may seem contradictory with what i said at the beginning about wanting to feel insignificant. The way i see it, i want to separate myself from society and live by my own devices.
I don’t like being responsible for other people. I don’t really like most humans at all. We have evolved to be greedy for money, power and attention, to follow along with what others are doing and only act in our own interest. A few years ago started to make a plan for my life. I don’t want kids and won’t get married unless i find somebody who would live by the same philosophy . After all, even though i don’t like spending time with people i think i would get lonely. I won’t see my parents often. I don’t love my parents. I’m not sure i love anyone. I feel protective of my grand-mother, but that’s all. I depend on my dog for companionship. I think i love my brother, but he’s been away at university for several years and i only see him from time to time. We’re not close and we don’t talk much, but we grew up together and stand up for each other. I don’t know if he loves me back, but it doesn’t really matter to me as long as he doesn’t forget how it used to be. I never meet my friends away from school and i switch to a different group if we start becoming close. My subconscious seems to be warning me not to get attached to anybody. I don’t understand or feel emotions like love, hate, boredom, horror or satisfaction.
I actually do a lot in the community by taking action against climate change, poverty, etc. There are thing i guess i should be proud of, but whenever somebody tries to say i did well i just shrug and move on. It’s not shyness or being humble, it’s just that i don’t let myself care what they think because i don’t want to be disappointed.
I keep telling myself that there’s less than two years until i graduate and am an adult. Then i will have the freedom to leave everything behind and stop living such a pointless life. The problem is i don’t know if i can last that long. And when i do get there, will i truly change my life even when i do not have the will to do it now?
My life just feels like an utter waste or resources and time. if i were to continue on as i am now, i will be at school for a quarter of my life. Then i will find a job and get money to survive, all to simply die soon after. If i can make a difference in the world maybe then it will have some value. If i could help preserve some of the other life on Earth, maybe then it would be worthwhile. I read a book by Jane Goodall. She travels constantly and has had a full and meaningful life. Maybe if i stop being so hopeless i could do something similar.
Thank you for reading. I’m glad to finally share my thoughts with somebody other than a piece of paper.
5 comments
It sounds like you feel numb towards a lot of things. Can you think of anything that makes you feel alive?
Career wise, do you have the freedom to choose what path you want to go down? Or do your parents pressure you into what they want?
Activism is a good route towards having an impact and persuing change. It helps if it is something you are passionate about. As does anything within the mental health or medical field. Food for thought.
The only times i truly feel alive are when i am away from home and my day to day life, when i feel in control of what i will do. Those times are difficult to come by, few and far between.
I have relative freedom to chose a career. My parents want me to go into STEM which is fine with me because i like science. I want my career to be linked to environmental protection. We are only one species and it is ridiculous that we should think of other forms of life on Earth as worthless or to be used to our advantage. That is my purpose.
What bothers me the most is that i am wasting time in school. I like learning, but i can learn while accomplishing something. I am restricted from taking action. My parents want me to concentrate solely on my studies. I am wasting precious time from a short life.
I can definitely understand that. Wanting to be in control of your environment and life decisions.
School will take you a long way in the future. You have every ability to put a dent in the bullshit of the world and make a difference. What you’re doing now will set you up for that. It’s a matter of wading through the next few years to make sure you have a solid foundation under you to enable you to make those changes.
STEM is a good path to take. But, whatever you set your mind to, make sure its something you have the passion and interest to do everyday. A job you’re passionate about does wonders for your mental wellbeing. It can be something to raise you up rather than pull you down.
If your parents are being difficult in any way, I reccomend you chat to them about giving you space. Its difficult for parents to relinquish control, because you’re no longer a child and it takes time for them to adapt to that.
Shout it out, 16 year old!
Listen, I don’t know what you should do. What I do know is, the feelings you feel now are a hundred percent genuine. Never forget them. It is because of people like you that I feel any hope at all for the future of humanity.
Don’t be too excited to grow up into an adult. And when you are an adult, never stop being a teenager. I believe in you.
Thanks for the support. I just can’t wait to finally feel free.