I have written a variety of notes; I wrote personal ones to my close friends, but I decided to also write one for the general public, which I’ll post on my Instagram probably. Feeling really euphoric right now.
Hi, I am writing this out for all my friends to see. If I didn’t take the time to write something to you personally, I’m sorry, but also I was just too overwhelmed by the idea of sending something to everyone..please understand ?
I have decided to end my life today. I wish I had the words to properly convey WHY I am doing this. If you know me well, you’ll know that for as long as I can remember, I have dealt with some pretty severe depression and anxiety. But there aren’t any words sufficient enough to convey just how broken from the inside I am. Maybe this sounds dramatic, I don’t know. It takes me three times the effort to feel half as happy as others, though. Living like this for almost 20 years has been…. indescribably difficult. Like the whole world is weighing down on me.
Maybe suicide is “cowardly” but I guess that simply makes me a coward. I don’t want to be in pain anymore, and I really hope you will be able to understand this. Don’t look at my death as a negative thing. For me, it’s like being released. Freedom, peace. When I made up my mind to end everything, I can’t even describe to you how peaceful I felt all of a sudden. Just an overwhelming calm.
I am really worried that this will upset people close to me. I know death of a loved one is one of the most painful things you can experience. That knowledge is what held me off from doing this, for so so long. I was living not for myself, but for the sake of everyone else. I can’t keep going for the sake of everyone else’s happiness. I am sorry about that, I know it’s selfish. I am also going to selfishly plead something: Don’t do anything bad because of my death. I have several friends who also suffer from depression, and I want everyone to be looking out for them and making sure they do not hurt themselves. I don’t want anyone to be hurt because of me.
If you’re my friend/family member, and you’re reading this: I love you very very much and am so thankful for your companionship. Especially for the friends I have made in Korea, I am so grateful for you putting up with me. I loved it here, in Korea. I feel like some people are going to think “if she hadn’t gone to Korea, she wouldn’t have killed herself. She should have stayed home in Arkansas with her family.” Let me say this: If i hadn’t come to Korea one year ago, I would have died much sooner than today. This country saved me in so many ways, and I am thankful for that.
Please understand my choice. Please be happy for me. Please keep going. Be kind to everyone. Love you!