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by LetTheLostKittensPlay

I’ve missed out on so many life experiences, I have no idea how to function as an adult, my mind is trapped at a young age. And the worst part is, this is beyond my control. We cannot control how others treat us, we cannot fake “confidence” without being confident in the first place. My place is in a grave, and the sooner this happens, the sooner I don’t have to feel pain anymore.

Call me pathetic, but it hurts my heart. I wish someone could romantically cuddle up to me… I haven’t had any feelings reciprocated before. Needn’t comment on this part though, my problems extend further than this. Loneliness just plays a factor. It hurts being alone. Friendship wise, relationship wise.

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6 comments

WaitLonger 10/18/2019 - 6:52 am

Most things are out of our control, that much is true. You can just sit back and see everything pass by, accepting your place as some kind of a spectator.

However, if you start to observe closely, you’ll notice that we do have certain power over how others treat us. Look at everyone around you. Who are they? What makes you perceive them in the way you do?

You could change that if you really wanted to. I have for a very long time had this persona of being an outsider; someone who shouldn’t be approached. I enjoy this comfort because it means I am not being bothered by people all the time, as they are hesitant to engage with me in any way. And that works perfectly with my brooding mind and all the bitterness inside of me.

LetTheLostKittensPlay 11/8/2019 - 10:12 am

Okay, I’m going to tell you a story that is going to debunk everything you’ve said. But before I do so, I’ve got to give you some advice. Instead of gaslighting me and pretending you know what my life is truly like (thinking everything is in my head, that my perception is wrong, that people don’t treat me awfully and that it must be down to MY attitude that is causing this) instead you could perhaps… hm.. listen to what I’m saying and have a sense of understanding and not turn this into a debate? Thank you very much.

As a child, I was bright and rosy and full of love. I loved everyone I saw and always wanted to be a friend to everyone. In school they used to say to us, “If you treat everyone with kindness, they’ll be kind to you”. So that’s what I did. Whenever someone dropped a pen or pencil on the floor, I simply picked it up for them with a smile. Whenever they purposely dropped items on the floor, like their rulers and rubbers, and laughed as they did so. I still picked it up. You see where I’m going with this?

I was known as the “special one” because I kept on being good and polite, no matter how horrible everyone else was. And these kids saw my kindness, and instead of treating me kindly they instead took advantage of me. I was the one who gave them their chairs, picked up their books, picked up their pencils – I was their “special little friend” despite not truthfully being their friend. And these kids would also bully me.

Throughout the majority of my school life I was mercilessly bullied by everyone. I’ve been spat on, I’ve had my bag stolen, I’ve been shoved out of the way, tripped over on the stairs, laughed at, teased, told to “kill myself” and all sorts of nasty things. And I dealt with this day in and day out, until eventually I become housebound with thoughts of suicide.

Years passed me by and no matter how friendly I was towards everyone, I was treated horribly and it still haunts me to this day. Your argument is that I should be kind and happy and friendly, and that this is going to change how people treat me. But it didn’t… all this had done in my life is let people know how weak and easily taken advantage of I am. Nobody I know in this town is kind and friendly, they’ve all got their secret motives and that isn’t paranoia talking either. This is factual evidence, this is how it is.

And I’ll never know why you like to stick strongly with your “Just World Fallacy” but nobody here treats anyone nicely, and you would know that if you lived here. You cannot simply change how people behave and that isn’t something I can change either. You have no right to be placing the blame on me, or to be making it ME who has to change.

Your ideas have no place in the real world. You’re fortunate to have friends or a social circle, you’re fortunate not to be autistic and selective mutism. Because these two things have damaged me, and throughout life nobody’s ever given me a chance. They reminded me over and over how worthless I am. And even today people treat me terribly. You were lucky. You were the lucky one.

Just because you don’t have this happening to you, doesn’t mean everyone’s life is exactly like yours. You’ve got to accept that people do die alone, without friends or family, without love and care and acceptance. Who never even had the chance. People commit suicide because they cannot handle the world anymore, because they’ve tried their hardest to be friendly and genuine people, but society doesn’t give a crap.

This is what I hate about psychologists, they like to pretend that it’s YOU who has to change in order to make the world a better place. That all of your negative interactions and how horrible people must treat you is ALL IN YOUR HEAD. AND THAT YOU’RE MENTALLY ILL AND NEED TO TAKE MORE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, BECAUSE CLEARLY THE HATEFULNESS AND LACK OF CARE AND THE BULLYING YOU’VE ENDURED BY YOUR PEERS DOESN’T CAUSE DEPRESSION. NOPE, IT’S BRAIN CHEMICALS. OBVIOUSLY.

I’m sorry, but I doubt you would ever understand this and continue to try and “prove me wrong” about everything instead of simply listening and understanding me. Instead of opening your mind and realising that sometimes life just isn’t that simple. And that people can’t just “fake confidence” because confidence is nurtured by acceptance and love from those around you. And if you haven’t been accepted and been a part of positive social interactions, you’re never going to be able to be confident. Because the anxiety overpowers you, and you can’t just deceive yourself this way. Who are you kidding?

You can smile at the world but they’re still going to shit on you.

Do me a favour, open your eyes. It isn’t me. I didn’t make people treat me horribly. I didn’t cause the bullying. And no amount of “fake confidence” and smiling at people is going to make them like me more. We’re not in a fairy world. And I hope you can still keep on giving me this false sense of hope as I continue to drag these blades across my arms. I’m a wounded angel. Who didn’t deserve an ounce of what people gave me.

Cause of Death: Suicide 10/18/2019 - 11:04 am

I guess I can relate to what you are saying about staying at a very young age, I always planned since a very young age to commit suicide as soon as I could (which for me was supposed to be 18, although I am now 25 and have been kept from suicide by strangers where in that situation I simply told them I was leaving and goodbye. I never asked for rescue and I never accepted it. I simply have and will never budge.) I know there is nothing worthwhile to stay alive for, and everyone is evil and fake, but I could never care about another person anyhow. I would never willingly take therapy, all it is to me is worthless and more people that I will only hate. My greatest dream is that I will be left alone in the town of strangers who want to push you to think just like they do, which is the cliche, to generally just live your life. I’m like, why would I do what you say? You can try to tell me what to think or feel but I would never want to be like you. I’m as well dead because there is nothing good in this world, and I would never work to improve. My fantasy is that no one knows who I am or where I am, and I am left completely alone where I can get out of this hideous sh*t-hole, where I can escape to some place where no stranger lys, so I can take the gun and put it to my head. I wouldn’t even have anyone to say goodbye to now, why bother. My only friends are already dead and there’s nothing better than going to be by their hand. Now the only folks left are those who are anti-suicide for their own horrible and selfish reasons. Good memories will only get you so far when you are being pushed, pulled, dragged towards a direction you’d never willingly go by strangers you could never sympathize, empathize with or show compassion towards.

LetTheLostKittensPlay 11/8/2019 - 10:44 am

Uh… I think you’ve misunderstood my post. This isn’t about feeling suicidal at a young age. It’s about missing out on so many life experiences, simply because I was rejected and never given the chance by my peers. Because I was purposely isolated to the point where I became housebound and depressed. No matter what I tried, my teenagerhood and childhood were wasted. Full of negativity, bullying and isolation. And you can’t get these years back. The things that are supposed to help you develop as a person, to develop social skills and confidence. I’ve never been given the chance. I don’t know how anything works anymore. They’ve succeeded in suffocating me.

But nevertheless. I’ve read your comment. I’m sorry you are going through this and that someday you find peace. I hope someday you are left alone and away from those people who are pushing you to think the same way they do. I want you far away from the sheep and to grow your own field, full of flowers and fruits and vegetables of all wonderful colours. Instead of just a basic grassy field that’s being devoured by the sheep (aka. society).

I admire how “woke” you are and how great your perception of the world is. You’re not easily fooled by the lies and deception from others. People don’t often focus on what causes a person to feel so hurt inside to the point where they cannot handle being alive on this planet. Their brains are going “NO MORE, NO MORE, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. PLEASE GIVE ME RELEASE” and yet these people who don’t understand suicide are quick to think about that person’s family members or loved ones.

“THINK ABOUT THE LOVED ONES, YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS. THEY’LL BE HURT IF YOU GO!” – but they are now putting the attention on them instead of you. Not at all comprehending how much pain you’re going through. It’s THEIR pain that comes first, yours comes second. Stay alive for them. Who cares how miserable your existence is? Who cares? Just stay alive to keep them happy.

Instead it would be more helpful if they could listen to you for a change and ask you why you’re hurting so bad. To show you love and affection instead of guilt-tripping you to stay alive. Instead listening to you, not mindlessly begging you to stay alive as if the words of an Internet stranger can simply make the agony go away.

I wish nobody knew who you were. You want a life of solitude, free from harm or stressors of everyday life. Never listen to those who are trying to tell you how to think and feel. Your emotions are valid. Your emotions will always be valid.

ninjarhino21 10/19/2019 - 1:09 pm

Hello there. Don’t be lonely :c i know what that’s like though, lonliness is what has made me want to die so many times in the past.
If you want to talk ever, my email is devinbelver@yahoo , or kik is devinx7

:c

LetTheLostKittensPlay 11/8/2019 - 10:14 am

I am lonely. It’s just fact. And it isn’t going to change either.
I appreciate you giving me your email, though. That shows you’re a thoughtful person.
I know it won’t get us anywhere though, because eventually you’ll forget about me. I’m not really worth your time. And that’s okay.

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