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by Teresa's Child

I’m getting better at this. Coping with others. Dealing with their uniqueness, their dreams and desires, their narrow-mindedness. Coping with my jealousy toward them. And I am. I am jealous. I have to admit it, I am.

One person in particular has really gotten under my skin in the last 4 months or so. It’s a long time to be pestered by a nuisance. It’s the wallflower. She’s a wallflower because there is no substance to her. She’s shallow, nice to look at, nice to talk to, but there’s nothing there. It’s an empty shell of materialism and positivity…so shallow in fact that it’s completely non-contradictory.

Today I asked myself how it all worked. How can she feel the way she feels? How can she behave the way she does? And then it hit me. She’s oblivious. Innocently oblivious. I realized this when I was talking to her at lunch today and she told me what college she went to. A college that costs an arm and a leg. A college that screams, “rich kid alert”, displays that while she does have skills, those skills come from being coddled and babied and protected from the big bad real world. From honest humans, the ones that scowl and grimace and try to hurt you every chance they get.

No. I know some other things about her as well. She grew up rich. Family. Siblings. Parents. Grandparents. Surrounded by warmth, she was launched into the world with a healthy mind and so many hands supporting her. This doesn’t change that she’s a wallflower. A high functioning one maybe, but fragile, delicate, someone that might as well be an object, can’t do anything by herself.

A wallflower is never alone. She’s surrounded by admirers, gardeners, painters, other flowers, etc. She stays in her little garden or mural or what have you. But take a wallflower out of her vicinity and she’s nothing. Trash. The high functioning facade fades away, and let’s in despair. Comforting despair. How I cherish that feeling, the one thing that separates us.

Because yes, I’m jealous. She’s got it all. She’s smarter then me. She’s prettier then me. Her social skills are better than mine. She went to a slightly better uni then me. But I have the despair. I have the story. I have the broken heritage, the struggles, the poor family, the demons. Occasionally I was supported by partners, and I won’t forget them…but for the most part I struggled alone. I made mistakes. I made a system. I went and read books, and tested myself, while she was pampered, spoon-fed success, and taught to be the best on paper. Just thinking about it is sickening. I’m sick. Sick with hate, with jealousy…sick of her.

I can’t compete with her. She’s got “friends”, allies that she’s won over just by being herself. Allies that will prop her up. But that in and of itself will make her weaker. It has to be the case. I know it, I’ve been propped up before. I know how it is when those props disappear. I am convinced that I am sharper. That I am better. That I am the one with more skills, even though it doesn’t show yet.

Again. I have the story. I have the system. I’ve made it this far with a system and an attitude. Nothing more then that. I’m confident that this annoyance will go away, that she will fall, that her fragile worldview will crumble. It has to crumble.

Hopefully I won’t be there to see it. Hopefully the annoyance will disappear. She can take her worldview and her fragile positivity and fk off somewhere else.

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3 comments

Cause of Death: Suicide 10/30/2019 - 5:34 pm

Everyone is better than you in their own way.. when you learn that nothing matters and there is honestly no reason to think of this other person, speak of this other person, because your circumstances is and will forever be vastly different. I’m afraid every human has that, that thing that makes them real, and that’s the part about her that you’ll never be able to touch!! So you needn’t bother yourself trying to figure out this other person, you never could. Is she getting attention that you admire? Maybe speak up and request that you are also praised for your contributions. Is she receiving better marks than you? That has nothing to do with you, it’s all her, and literally couldn’t have a meaning or a place in your life.

Teresa's Child 10/30/2019 - 11:08 pm

But not everyone is better then me in the things that I value and have worked toward. I agree with you on there not being a reason to interact with this other person, and agree that nothing matters.

But I don’t agree that every human has a thing that makes them real.

I have a bad habit of trying to figure out people that get under my skin.

I don’t care about attention, but I feel inferior, even though I’m not. I hate what she’s been given, what life has handed her, that it has not handed me.

theagonyandtheecstasy_ 2/22/2020 - 9:48 pm

I’m convinced that jealousy has made you an angry, hateful, shallow being. You aren’t humbled by interesting things around you. You’re intimidated by them because you compete with them. And even if you did have your own taste, you aren’t “better” than anyone, unless you’re all about what everyone thinks, ( you SO are) (where she, to you, has the status you want. The money, the popularity, connections, whatever.) She isn’t going to crumble, lol
I can’t believe you sat there and talked about how trash she’d be without this or that. That’s so pathetic.
Some bohemian pinko commie.
I bet you put down films with cult followings and place all of your favorite books on a pedestal that if someone didnt know what author you liked, you’d label them trash and feel good about it. +

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