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An Experience

by itsmecat

I was in the shower.
She wasn’t doing great, but what was new.
She texted me to tell me she wanted to die. I knew that. I told her what I always do. I tried to come up with new things to say but nothing was quite right.
She said she was done. She sent me a picture of the a bottle full of pills.
She couldn’t open it.
I could hear the desperation in her voice despite the fact that we were only texting.
I was crying. I didn’t know what to do. Do I call someone? Who do I call? I have her guardians number. Should I call them? Her sister? Will either of them even answer? 911? She can’t get the pill bottle open. God thank God
What the fuck do I do
She’s gone silent. She won’t answer my text messages.
I’m calling her. Facetiming her. Texting. Snapchatting. DMing. Emailing. Trying to get through to her somehow.

God please, she can’t be dead

I finally get a response
Her: “I’m going to sleep”
Me: “actual sleep right? not forever sleep?”
Her: “I couldn’t get the pill bottle open.”
Me: “And I’m so so thankful for that.”
Her: “goodnight”
Me: “goodnight. I love you so much. don’t die please”

I stare at my phone for 5 minutes. 10 minutes. 20 minutes. Just in case.
The water is still running. I’m sitting in the corner of the shower. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop.

I jump at a banging on the door. I’ve been in the shower for two hours.

Oh. Sorry.

I do the only thing I can do. I get up. Rinse the drying soap out of my hair. Get out. Dry off. Get dressed.
I’ve stopped crying. But I feel a hole in my chest. Everything hurts but at the same time, I can’t feel a thing.
I stare at the homework that’s due tomorrow. I go lay down instead.

I was only 14. I kept going.

This was the first of her four attempts in the six years that I knew her. I was lucky she woke up the last two times, she didn’t tell me until she woke up.

I can’t do that to someone. But maybe I’ll go silently.


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darkwillow 10/7/2019 - 1:48 pm

Those moments are some of the hardest ones we live through. But, we do live through them. So, what of now? What has life become for you?

itsmecat 10/10/2019 - 11:09 am

I don”t know. If I’m honest with myself my life is probably healthier without her but I still worry. I am not okay. I’m still in school and I’m in a darker place than I’ve been in a long time. I’m trying though, I’m still breathing. Somehow I’ve kept from hurting myself or doing anything stupid. I’m taking life a couple hours at a time. Thank you for taking the time to reply to my story. It means a lot to me.

shatterediris 10/10/2019 - 11:17 am

It maybe technically healthier but I’m sure that you still do care about her, so it also may not be…. I’m sorry that I missed this so many days ago…. This seems like it would’ve been hard to get through. Good job on not self harming though, it’s not the easiest thing to avoid sometimes.

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