An Experience

I was in the shower.
She wasn’t doing great, but what was new.
She texted me to tell me she wanted to die. I knew that. I told her what I always do. I tried to come up with new things to say but nothing was quite right.
She said she was done. She sent me a picture of the a bottle full of pills.
She couldn’t open it.
I could hear the desperation in her voice despite the fact that we were only texting.
I was crying. I didn’t know what to do. Do I call someone? Who do I call? I have her guardians number. Should I call them? Her sister? Will either of them even answer? 911? She can’t get the pill bottle open. God thank God
What the fuck do I do
She’s gone silent. She won’t answer my text messages.
I’m calling her. Facetiming her. Texting. Snapchatting. DMing. Emailing. Trying to get through to her somehow.

God please, she can’t be dead

I finally get a response
Her: “I’m going to sleep”
Me: “actual sleep right? not forever sleep?”
Her: “I couldn’t get the pill bottle open.”
Me: “And I’m so so thankful for that.”
Her: “goodnight”
Me: “goodnight. I love you so much. don’t die please”

I stare at my phone for 5 minutes. 10 minutes. 20 minutes. Just in case.
The water is still running. I’m sitting in the corner of the shower. I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop.

I jump at a banging on the door. I’ve been in the shower for two hours.

Oh. Sorry.

I do the only thing I can do. I get up. Rinse the drying soap out of my hair. Get out. Dry off. Get dressed.
I’ve stopped crying. But I feel a hole in my chest. Everything hurts but at the same time, I can’t feel a thing.
I stare at the homework that’s due tomorrow. I go lay down instead.

I was only 14. I kept going.

This was the first of her four attempts in the six years that I knew her. I was lucky she woke up the last two times, she didn’t tell me until she woke up.

I can’t do that to someone. But maybe I’ll go silently.