I met someone recently. A wallflower.
She’s smart, and sweet, and easy to talk to. She’s shallow, materialistic, and entitled. An adult who has never faced hardship in her entire life. Through my interactions with her, I realized that many humans do not cause suffering on their own. They cause suffering because they are cowards, too scared to disobey the law, or social structure, too scared to put others before themselves. Scared for their family. Scared for themselves. Fear. It causes people to follow the corrupt, to give up on themselves. Without understanding pain, they lose the ability to empathize and become animals that live for pleasure.
I realized that I like her, genuinely. No point in running from that reality. I cannot hate her for her faults.
I’ve been confused recently on what to do. Like some others on this site, I have seen pain, and I have felt pain, and I have internalized it. I’m sure some of you know what I’m talking about. It’s not just when you feel pain — it’s something more. Pain gets inside you. And you become Hate. Inside, that voice is always there, whispering, “don’t forget reality, don’t forget what humanity really is”. I don’t have any hope for humans. I don’t believe in them. And I don’t have friends. Some hero I am.
But I want to be one, because I remember how I felt when I was young. I wanted to be really cool, dumb as that sounds.
And recently, I’ve been reminded of how it feels to like someone else. A lot of it is projection, and flooding from other experiences, and conflating various things, but it’s strange thing. To care about someone else. If only for a short time.
The feeling is gone now, but I am so grateful to her for this reminder. I feel like I can make something of myself. I feel hopeful, even though I don’t believe in hope. I think, even with this Hate, even with this Pain, even with this knowledge of human selfishness, greed, and fear, I can continue to move forward now. And it is all thanks to her, this well adjusted, cowardly, happy person.
As for what I will do…I think I’ve gained what I needed to gain. This marks the end of my interactions with her, as a human being. Any further interactions will just be playacting from my end. Obviously I’m not ready for romance, and I don’t think I will ever be ready. I wasn’t ready when I was younger, and I messed up so many times. I’m better off without all that.
But it was nice to crush on someone for a bit, and feel like a middleschooler again. I won’t forget it.
From here on out, I go forward. To be honest, I don’t know what that means yet, but I’ll start actually thinking about the future, instead of sitting in a corner and worrying about humanity. Humanity is evil and despicable, and I think I’ve come to terms with that reality. But I can’t let it break me. I have this life to live, and I have to figure out what that means. What kind of man I want to be. And what I want to do to express myself in this world.
Yes, I hate humanity. I do. I can’t make things up, and squint hard, and pretend like it’s all okay. I hate everything.
But now what?