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dual personality

by Abandoned

i want what i know i cant have. i want to spend my nights partying. going out and getting drunk. doing all kinds of drugs. and then go home during the day. cooking and cleaning for a loving family. but i know i have to choose one or the other.


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hope432 10/27/2019 - 6:44 pm

Choose the second option. You could smoke anyway some cigarettes if you want all the time :).
(avoid drugs 🙂

It'll Be Ok 10/27/2019 - 10:24 pm

No I can’t.

Cause of Death: Suicide 10/27/2019 - 7:31 pm

I want to kill myself by shotgun to the head. I was supposed to already 7 years again. Damn. I can’t believe I missed my chance.

It'll Be Ok 10/27/2019 - 10:25 pm

That had nothing to do with my post.

Cause of Death: Suicide 10/27/2019 - 11:48 pm

Hey, I read your other post but it wouldn’t let me comment. I was just going to comment that I started having, like you have, hallucinations.. I didn’t start having them until about three years ago. Which was strange it was after I came out as suicidal. I basically just told the only people I know goodbye and that I am going to commit suicide. Anyhow, I started getting these hallucinations like you said about three years ago. Maybe a side effect of the pills they forced me to take (overall the pills had no positive effect), but I also have these hallucinations when I sleep, dreams I am being raped. This started three years and now it happens almost at least once a week or every other week. It doesn’t bother me that much because I’m still going to kill myself (only thing I’ve ever wanted) but I do feel like I am being stalked, followed like you said. Do you think someone is raping me on purpose in my dreams to harm me? Or what do you think causes that? I used to have a good life (well except I was molested a lot as a small child) … now that they started raping me all the time and on every single holiday, I no longer feel comfortable in my body and that I can no longer be myself. I used to walk ten miles a day now I am too petrified to even go outside most days. Do you think I am being maliciously stalked? It’s even worse for me because I am a homosexual (woman) since I was 3 years old and it’s always men raping me.

It'll Be Ok 10/28/2019 - 9:40 am

Honestly I think it’s just a case like me where you are haunted by your past and now suffer from paranoia.

a1957 10/29/2019 - 12:03 pm

After you are traumatized, paranoia comes with the PTSD.

It'll Be Ok 10/29/2019 - 2:11 pm

oh so its almost like anxiety and depression. i just love how mental disorders can be best friends like that.

a1957 10/29/2019 - 2:20 pm

Awesome ain’t it?

It'll Be Ok 10/29/2019 - 2:35 pm

no not really i love adding problems to the long list i already have. also i learned theres cptsd which is basically the same thing but not. it basically means youve been through more shit. not exactly the right way to put it. ok. say you kill someone accidentally thats ptsd because it was 1 incident that messed you up. and th best example of cptsd i can thing of is me and how i has things piled on me over the years making it more complex and thats where the c comes from lol

a1957 10/29/2019 - 3:41 pm

My therapist said I suffer from complex trauma and she is working with me really well on all that happened. But I had not heard of C-PTSD until now. I looked up C-PTSD. Oh yes, it can come from complex trauma. Well, I can most likely add this C-PTSD to my list too.
The problems pile up and pile on, but from what I am experiencing in therapy, they lose their grip in clusters too.

It'll Be Ok 10/29/2019 - 3:53 pm

piling problems are the best. id love to go back to high school when all i had was depression.

a1957 10/29/2019 - 4:32 pm

Yeah those were the good old days. All we had to deal with was depression and maybe a nagging doubt as to how we might navigate the rest of our lives. Oh those were the days, yeah. Now we get all the piling effects. Just awesome.

It'll Be Ok 10/29/2019 - 4:42 pm

depression, anxiety, cptsd, hallucinations, paranoia, and the list goes on…..im getting diagnosed soon though. at the end of november actually. but the signs for most seem pretty obvious to me im just scared what else they will find. hows therapy going for you? i just started and already missed a day because i was late and had to reschedule which brought up ptsd so i almost didnt. i got my husband to a few days later. when i was 13 i was diagnosed with a really bad back problem. like i could be paralyzed really bad. i missed an appointment when i was 14 and she made me call like it was somehow my responsibility at 14. well anxiety said nope so i didnt until a few years ago and thats only because i could barely move. not only did she make me reschedule but even after the doctor said i wasnt allowed to do anything they had me hauling wood and shoveling snow. but they took me out of gym class for one year where i had classmates say that i was lying just to get out out gym. yeah the whole thing was so much fun.

a1957 10/29/2019 - 5:29 pm

Sounds like you’ve been googling away and already have a good understanding of what symptoms you carry (so fun.) So even if the therapist finds something extra my guess it will be related to the causes of symptoms already identified. I was looking through the typical causes of hallucinations and maybe you will find them related to stress or some other treatable cause.
Therapy is going better than I expected. Unfortunately, I like my therapist which means I tend to work pretty hard to make the most of sessions. Liking my therapist also means I want even that relationship to improve which then means I tend to work as well as can on overcoming the monster and the symptoms that sent me to therapy in the first place. A vicious cycle of improvement has begun. Like therapist, work diligently, see myself be a bit less distressed, see improvement in the client-therapist working relationship over time, like therapist more…

It'll Be Ok 10/29/2019 - 6:00 pm

well its pretty hard to deny that i see things that arent there lol. although i have a few things im not sure about but thats fine.
you seem like you have a bit of a problem with your therapist. what are you gonna do about it?

a1957 10/29/2019 - 7:24 pm

I was trying to express a weird (?) frustration about my therapy but it probably didn’t come out clearly at all.
I like my therapist and she is very good at her craft. But being good at her craft means the faulty notions I harbor about life, notions held long and dear, are being unraveled. My frustration with therapy is just the challenge of being challenged.
It is all good. I really appreciate her skillful work and have come to value the working relationship and mutual trust that has resulted. Did that make more sense stated this way?

It'll Be Ok 10/29/2019 - 9:59 pm

I think so. I wish my therapist was like that. I’m not even diagnosed yet I’ve been there like 3 times I think and she’s already talking about medication. Like why not just hand me the key to the medicine cabinet and say “you’re fucked anyways”

a1957 10/30/2019 - 11:30 pm

I hope you can find a therapist that you work well with. You are intelligent and articulate. I bet you have no need of drugs. I bet you have the symptoms that go with what happened to you. I hate that bad things happen to people by people, but if that is what happened to you then you are damaged (like most of us) but not actually defective, though of course it always feels like we are defective after someone treats us badly.

Regards drugs, to the best of my understanding, they fix little and damage much. Even my sister was damaged by one of them.

It'll Be Ok 10/31/2019 - 12:31 am

honestly could i do it? yeah probably. ive always prided myself on being able to do anything i set my mind to. but the problem is….i havent set my mind to “healing” nor do i ever have any intentions to. the problem is its going to be a constant battle my ENTIRE life. i can go to therapy and they can give me drugs ill be on until i die or i can go get drugs when i please. it doesnt matter whether its legal or not im still hiding behind drugs (and some nights booze) and thats all it will ever be. and every single day fighting to live wasnt exactly how i planned on spending every waking minute of my life.

It'll Be Ok 10/31/2019 - 2:09 am

i feel awful. i didnt thank you for the compliment so……thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol
“You are intelligent and articulate. I bet you have no need of drugs”

a1957 10/31/2019 - 11:35 pm

You are welcome.

Heavy drinking, off and on, was my thing for years.

“…every single day fighting to live wasnt exactly how i planned on spending every waking minute of my life.” It is crazy making that put most of us in this awful position.

It'll Be Ok 11/1/2019 - 12:12 am

i never understood how if a loved one has a terminal illness they will just let them go. they dont have to be in pain or anything. “oh youre gonna die anyway, here let me help with that.” now i cant speak for others but i know my thoughts hurt me on a physical level as i feel emotions so strong that i can physically feel them. this puts me in quite literally a constant pain everyday. and they cant tell me its curable. theres been/are people on here that are older like in their 60-80s i think and i highly doubt they just sat there their entire life. at least one of them had to of tried to survive. but nope. we get to suffer living out the rest of our lives with memories of abuse and rejection because somehow that is fair.

a1957 11/2/2019 - 1:01 am

I never understood that either. If you are gonna die soon of natural causes, whether in pain or not, then dying even sooner is usually just fine. But if you are just in excruciating mental pain and yes physical pain sure can accompany it, then every reasonable means of death is denied you whenever possible. I don’t know if your mental pain is curable or not either, but can say if it is trauma based then it is likely it can be dealt with, but still no one knows for absolutely sure. But yes, I don’t understand why suffering at the end of life is also being looked upon, in a few more US states now, as inhumane whereas suffering for your whole life is just fine! Again though, at least in my case, and I doubt I am any special case, trauma induced mental suffering (which is awful) is responding to the right therapist using a therapy that works for this individual. Even so, I still I can’t quite comprehend why death in not a legal right.

It'll Be Ok 11/2/2019 - 1:35 am

well thats the thing, finding the right therapist. how many people actually have that advantage? from my understanding its very few. and forget the therapist for a minute. i was looking through my notes i took over the past few years on what i can do to get better. do i believe it will work? yes. but its like i was telling my friend. from the second i start trying until the day i die i can’t let my guard down or else ill be right back where i started. thats a lot to ask from any person in a normal situation, but someone who’s mind is constantly picking away at them and tearing them down to ask them to do that, it’s damn near impossible.

a1957 11/2/2019 - 2:02 am

I would say picking the right therapist when I was in such a painful state of mind would have been impossible for me. What I did was got someone who knew me ( my wife ) to pick my therapist. Prior to that i myself picked about 2 different therapists , two counselors, two psychiatrists and not of a one them could do much for me. Just one, two, maybe three sessions and I could see nothing was going to go forward. My mind was in such pain I could barely see past anything more than if they greeted me nicely and if their office looked nice. I did pick the type of therapy I wanted, that I did manage to do, and my wife went looking on the Psychology Today site for the person she thought could get it done. When I saw the profile of the therapist my wife picked I said ok but no way could I have read through something like 50 profiles to find the one that looked right for me. No way.

It'll Be Ok 11/2/2019 - 1:36 pm

this is my first time. i didnt get to pick mine. thats the disadvantage of free, of course aside from maybe medication in the future i refuse to pay for it. i dont feel like its worth it at 100$/hour. especially since at the moment ive done more “healing” by myself then i have since ive started this. but im willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. she might just be trying to get my life story until she has a diagnoses to work with. we’ll see at my next appointment. i have one on the 9th then i get diagnosed 20…..something. i wrote it down some where lol. anyway depending on how it goes after the month of November i may stop going.

hope432 10/27/2019 - 8:51 pm

Yet, you are still alive here :X Go to my post and listen some music from the 90′. Life was more peaceful then. Have you every played any video game?

It'll Be Ok 10/27/2019 - 10:25 pm

I don’t like that music

hope432 10/28/2019 - 6:18 am

“actually the army fighting didnt know anything about it. only the high ranking knew. not every german was a nazi that was only hilter and the guys that knew. you shouldnt blame a country for what a small percentage did. hilter lied to everyone.”

I liked your post. I agree with you. I have studied history very much in my life and I think your post was the right answer.

It’s ok if you don’t like my music. (I felt very good and peaceful last night and that’s why I posted those songs…). The first song was from a nice video game from the 90′. What music do you listen(I am not too intrusive)?

You are more intelligent and loved than you think.

“hilter lied to everyone.” “only the high ranking knew”

Yes, they used weapons and arts of mass mind manipulation.

a1957 10/29/2019 - 4:42 pm

I have studied hitler a lot too. Some people have gained insight into how he did it. I hope the lessons learned are not wasted too badly. By my reckoning the world has keep such leaders somewhat at bay for 81 years. What a piece of work that guy was.

rivets 11/2/2019 - 2:32 am

Why can’t you have that? I mean, the partying part is tricky, but the doing drugs part – that’s the secret behind most of society. We normalize certain drugs until they seem like a placebo, nothing out of the ordinary, while demonizing other drugs until they seem like scary monsters hiding in closets. But reality says they’re actually very close in effect and composition. If office workers can pop stimulants to keep them engaged with boring paperwork, I don’t see how that’s any different from taking any other euphoriant to keep the tedium at bay.

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