Human Punching Bag

Alright. I’ve tried researching this for years now, looking this exact phrase up time and time again since I was in highschool. But I could never find anything. I think that automatically means I’m insane. So be it. I guess that’s something else I’ll as to my list of problems.

I want to preface this by saying, I’m sorry to anyone who is or was abused. I don’t want to make you feel worse about your situation. I know even with this premeditated apology, someone will be thinking “who the fuck does this person think she is.” And You have every right to say that. Because I am shit, and I don’t know how you feel. And that’s why I hate myself.

Whenever I’ve done something wrong to my family or friends, I’ve felt an overwhelming desire afterwards to feel them abuse me physically. It’s messed up I know, and I know people will tell me no one deserves to be abused in any way, and maybe I don’t. But I still can’t deny the feeling. It used to be small. Just a slap across the face or a shove. But one day, I imagine something far more violent that I will not go into detail for fear of bringing some trauma to someone reading.

I don’t believe that anyone out there deserves to be abused. But I always seem to be the exception to the rule. Sometimes I wish I could have someone from an abusive family take my place. You’re probably a far better person than I am, and you wouldn’t cause my family as much pain as I do. And I could take your place, because I’m such shit. Maybe that how I could make the world a better place. If I just became a human punching bag.