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I don’t know anymore ..

by imtryinghere

Friday night, I felt depressed, lost, like I don’t know who I am anymore, like I wanted to die, and I didn’t wan to wake up and see another day. Saturday morning, I felt like I wanted to die. Wasn’t ready for work, didn’t wanna go to work. Then at work I was fine, I don’t know if it was because I pushed all my feelings to the back of my mind or my mood swings I always get because of borderline personality disorder. Saturday night, i felt like shit again, like I was lost in some dark, very dark forest. Sunday morning, I again felt like I didn’t want to live. Been like that all day now. Tomorrow I have school, I really don’t want to go, but then I have too.

I have a good support system at school, some days I like being at school because it takes my mind off of everything some days. Other days, I always feel so .. drained. Mentally. Like I can’t focus. My school counselor tells me that if I can’t focus, I should still go to class and not take a break. She says that because it is better to be in the classroom so I know what I’m going to be doing in that class, but didn’t she hear me? I can’t focus.

So I listen to her, I go. Guess what? I zone out because I can’t focus, and miss the important things. Either way, I miss what I’m supposed to be learning.

last week was so weird, but yet I kind of liked it, but then I didn’t. I liked the part where I could be happy, like actually happy and not faking it. I liked someone, yes past tense. He made me so happy I couldn’t stop smiling, plus my ex best friend and I talking more. I was just happy. For two days, Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday, I start falling, once again, but I was still able to keep a smile on my face. Thursday comes and I was pissed for most of the day because of a certain situation. I was mad at someone. I punched a brick wall, but not hard enough to break anything, just enough to have it bruise and swell. Friday, I slipped into my depressive state and almost started crying a couple times.

So here I am sitting on my couch, wanting to die, to not wake up tomorrow to go through another week. A week that I could be crying everyday, a week that I could self harm, after not doing it for almost two weeks, a week where I could punch a wall, and maybe I’ll actually break something. A week where I could be happy. A week where I want to die, a week where I could possibly kill myself, which I don’t think that will happen.

Basically, I don’t know what to do anymore. I hate going into a week where I don’t know what kind of mood I will be in. I wish I could know what kind of mood I’ll be in. I mean I guess that could go for everyone since no one can tell the future, but what I mean is, my mood changes so fast. I can smell something, that reminds me of my childhood, and I can be instantly sad. I can look at a stranger and think, I don’t want to be alive. This happens all the time and it sucks.

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