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I Just Want to Love Myself.

by heartbreak_child

I’ve been fighting with depression for 5 years now, and I can’t honestly say when was the last time I thought “Jeez, life is good” or “Damn I love life”. I have considered suicide countless times, nearly on a daily basis, and have gotten close to doing it a couple times.

However I’m not just here to mope as usual, I want to change my life for the better. I’ve been in a shitty state of mind for way too long now, and I just want to be happy. I have done lots of research on how to get better, but I don’t think there’s a simple solution for depression. But one thing I found in common with all the advice  is that on the road to recovery you must love yourself.

I try, I really do. I WANT to get better. I WANT and NEED a happy life. But I fucking hate myself so much and mistakes I made in the past are still haunting me today and I feel like a burden to everyone around me.

Does anyone have advice? It’s okay if you don’t, at least I got this off my chest.

5 comments
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5 comments

Jack 10/9/2019 - 12:09 am

You don’t have to force yourself to love yourself right now. Maybe you need more time to heal before forgiving yourself.

FarTooLong 10/9/2019 - 2:32 am

I totally hear you when you say that you’ve been depressed for years and think about suicide every day. And I agree that there is no simple solution. Recovery is a journey (as you well know) and the first step that I’ve taken during past suicidal episodes is to force myself to do something positive. Beit do the dishes, clean my place, go for a walk on a sunny day, anything really. Those small baby steps are in fact, acts of self love, which have the potential to become a catalyst toward recovery. One last thing… I recently developed a new coping skill, which is simply to tell myself ‘that everything will be OK”. I say this new mantra to myself multiple times every day (every day is key). And although I don’t always believe it, I know from my core, that it helps. Feel free to ask me any questions you might have.
‘G

rocketman 10/9/2019 - 6:46 am

Well to start with we humans weren’t meant to be that happy, life is a struggle lots of bumps in the road so instead of thinking about being happy think about being content, if you can do that then your doing really good and just be happy with that.

Teresa's Child 10/9/2019 - 9:38 am

I both agree and disagree with rocketman. We aren’t meant to be that happy. I also don’t think we are meant to be content. In fact, I don’t necessarily think we’re meant to be anything.

You’re alive. You’ll negatively impact the world, and maybe even positively impact it. You’ll hurt and you’ll help, and at the end of the day this planet will just become another Mars or Venus, and when that happens, the last creatures standing will probably not be quite human.

But you’re alive. I’d say that’s a big deal. This is a new feeling that’s been creeping into my mind, but I somehow think that’s the fact that proves I was wrong about everything.

Cypher__ 10/9/2019 - 10:16 am

Getting hobby, some community that you could talk about anything, basically don’t let yourself felt lonely. Going outside and talk to someone might be the best route to fix depression, but it’s incredibly hard.
I climbed on that mountain years ago, I was somewhat fixed myself from depression, but after I lose contacts with my college friends, I’m back to be the gloomy depressed person once again.
If you have spare money, maybe going to psychiatrist could helps. I know some people that gets cured, or at least alleviated, but I know people who felt that it’s not helpful at all.

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