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i’d die with you

by evianwatre

half a year ago, i overcame the fear, self loath and reached to her for help, with nothing in return. “if you’re so depressed, you know you can go to therapy without your mother?”that was what my closest friend said to me.

it’s so selfish for me, but i want to be sick, cancer or some incurable disease. i want someone to take my life away, instead of me doing it to myself. the result is clear–she would, or people around me would feel like it’s somehow their fault if i took my own life, but that’s not the case. this shell, this person, the thoughts, the opinions inside my brain are disgusting, ugly and ignorant. i’ve been imagining how people around me will react if i disappear, it doesn’t make a difference in one way or another. most of the times i no longer cry, or scream, but i can sense the cloud forming around me, pressing me down, the cloud of what is myself, my existence had became a problem to my existence.

i don’t deserve to be here, honestly. living in an average two floor house in west Vancouver, i buy lunch and waste my food and water, i shop and never wear my clothes ever again. i looked into the mirror–what an ugly *****, crying for attention, the sense of belonging and warmth that will never be in return. i am blaming others again, i can’t do this.

i was a perfect child from kindergarten to grade two elementary, angelic voice, talented, and went along with everything they said. my life felt like it flashed right before my eyes,  it felt like a dream, where everything was wonderful and innocence and the world to me wasn’t a world but our home, playground and teachers playing pianos. things went downhill after that, slowly i turned into a stupid, unaware, annoying piece of shit to the closest people around me. i am fully aware of the cause, it’s my existence.

I’ve lived in a small city in china as a child, people were kind, the things were easy to understand before xi came in power and stuck communist propaganda all over the fucking city wall and turned china to a shitty, north Korea-like image to westerners. I’m going off track, but china is truly a wonderful place, just like any country in Asia. i’m going off track. when they had the single child policy, my mother went all the way to Canada to give birth to me, and lost her job. They thought it was worth is, since i “turned out so well”. As a cute child that would say funny things, did countless performances outside of kindergarten and loved going to the beach with my father. i’ve changed, i’ve never heard of a compliment on things i’m passionate on ever again. i stopped getting good grades, i couldn’t focus, i cry as i scream in a pathetic, ignorant tone words that would hurt her. i’m not depressed, i’ve never had a doctor check me, i don’t see the point in cutting as the pain of simply existing is enough and my longing to disappear is only to escape the pain. i don’t know what to do anymore. i forgot what i wanted to write. i am overly sensitive and i would never respond to anyone with the correct that’s pleasant to their ears. even my closest friend hates me, i can feel it. the way K stared at me without a word after i told her about a certain plan in excitement, the way she read my questions and thought with a single word response or nothing at all. if only i’ve stayed as that perfect child in kindergarten, or if i had never existed, things would be so much better, hm? the world is so beautiful, yet i don’t deserve to witness it’s beauty, i don’t, not with these eyes.

my mother and sister said if i ever leave, they would go with me. the thought of that terrifies with me. i can’t imagine what that would do to my poor father, or the rest of my family. i don’t care about friends, they can do perfectly fine without this annoying *****. i just want to be forgotten, by everyone on earth, just like before i was born. i’ll quietly die as no one remembers me, nobody would cry.

that’s impossible.

i want my mind to be deleted, i don’t want to express my thoughts, i don’t want to have thoughts, i don’t want to be self conscious, i don’t want to think.do you understand what i mean? nothing, once i’m deleted there will be no longer a person with the username of evianwatre on this website, i would be gone completely, i wouldn’t know that i existed because i wouldn’t have my thoughts to process infomation anyway. i want to be gone completely where my consciousness disappears, i don’t want there to be an afterlife, i don’t want darkness or hell, i don’t want white brick walls or bright lights. i want there to be nothing, i want to not know that i’ve existed. sorry to bother you tonight, i’ll feel better in no time.

*edit: sorry, ignore the grammar mistakes, i got too upset to check what i was actually writing. pretty stupid huh?

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2 comments

WaitLonger 10/18/2019 - 6:43 am

This is why I read posts on this site. Only some of the stuff you mentioned here resonated with me, but the bits that did resonated really strongly.

I want to be gone completely, fully, entirely, absolutely. There really is nothing I want from existing. I don’t want things to get “better”. I want it all to just become nothing.

And yet I can’t quite end my existence. Whether it’s guilt or cowardice or something else that keeps me from committing myself to my own demise, I just keep wishing that something happens to me. A disease, an accident or a great catastrophe. Maybe this time I won’t be waking up tomorrow. Those are always my final thoughts before sleeping.

Teresa's Child 10/18/2019 - 9:48 am

Wow, this is a post. I can barely react to most of what you wrote…but I’ll try.

You ARE depressed. I think you’ve been through a lot, even though you think you’re feelings aren’t justified. Such a big change in how people responded to you as you grew up, as well as moving at a younger age, are both tough. Really tough.

You think the world is beautiful, yet feel you shouldn’t be allowed to witness it’s beauty. I think the opposite. I think the world is grotesque, and want more then this. What’s the point of a beautiful world if it treats you as an outsider?

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