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I’m so lost ..

by imtryinghere

Everything is going downhill for me, once again. I’m losing friends, and they are losing my trust. Including my school counselor and one of my teachers, for study hall. I talk to them, but they are making me feel like i can’t open up to them because of their responses, but i don’t tell them in the moment. I don’t want them feeling bad for saying the wrong thing.

I just feel so alone. I felt alone before, and it is a feeling no one wants to feel. I even hoped to never feel, that feeling ever again. Yet, here i am. Feeling so alone to the point i want to cry.

Last night my parents and i got into a fight, not just a little argument. A big argument. It honestly started out so stupid, like every argument my parents and j have.

I was doing the dishes minding my own business. I kept feeling my phone vibrate. I had my phone on me because when i do the dishes i always listen to my music. Otherwise i would be annoyed with my family because who isn’t? I just thought i was getting a ton of snapchats, so i look and it was my sister sending me emojis, constantly. I text her knock it off, and keep in mind, i was already annoyed because i told my mom that i wanted to see a therapist individually and she yelled at me. Then my dad was chomping on his food at dinner. I texted my sister saying “knock it off.” She kept going. i said “seriously stop.” She still didn’t stop, so i go downstairs and yell “knock it the f*ck off.” My parents heard me say the F bomb, and my dad said don’t use that kind of language in my house. Basically from there i tried to ignore it, but they wouldn’t let me because they would get even more mad. They started talking about me and how i am always the problem and i bring the whole house down. And that i should move out, that my mom doesn’t care anymore. My mom also said i wasnt going to see a therapist which sucks because at times like these i need someone to talk too.

Last night was a hard night. I thought about taking my own life, as you can tell i’m still here and didn’t. So i’m okay for now. At least suicide wise.

Also last night i ruined my 3 week from cutting myself.

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4 comments

Rainwatch 10/31/2019 - 12:54 pm

Your line ” I bring the whole house down” resonates with me. I’ve heard it the last 20 years from my family, I heard it as recently as yesterday actually.

imtryinghere 10/31/2019 - 1:45 pm

My parents always says im a problem. Yesterday was the first time they told me i bring the whole house down. otherwise they always tell me im a problem. and i create problems too.

Yikrens 10/31/2019 - 1:20 pm

A good language is important to me. Why are all trying to find compassion for a phrase like “cutting myself”, but if I tell to “applicate my drugs after puncture of the vein” been deemed junky?

how old is your sister? you could had reached the door and looked for compassion for your duties by acting as the brother and person of respect you want.

imtryinghere 10/31/2019 - 1:46 pm

My sister is 23 years old.

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