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I’m Starting to Finally See…

by Teresa's Child

When did it become all about money? When did it become all about getting laid? Or even relationships…or politics? Or being politically correct? When did it become all about fitting in? Wearing a mask so people would leave you alone?

Was it when I started hating people?

Was it when I gave up on others? Or was it when I gave up on myself? Was it the first time I failed? Was it the time I let others down, even after forming that meaningful connection? Was it when I stopped trusting myself?

I gave up on those feelings I had felt when I was young.

I wanted to be a hero. I wanted to be really cool. I wanted to help people, and be relied on. I wanted to laugh the loudest, be the smartest, the strongest, the most courageous.

But I lost it all. I was broken. I failed to help others…no, I abandoned them.

Ever since then I’ve fallen into this trap, this cycle of desire and pleasure, living like a hungry ghost in a world of wallflowers.

But I’m starting to remember. I have one life. And I’m not going to live all that long. I need to live with some heart. I need to break this cycle.

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WaitLonger 10/11/2019 - 12:05 am

It’s not all about money or relationships or politics; it’s about the suffering that lies beneath it, the emptiness that causes it. People cling to whatever convenience they can find. Illusions. All of them. Yours and mine as well. Whatever that may distract us from the reality that we know deep inside us.

Teresa's Child 10/11/2019 - 12:46 am

Maybe. But recently I’ve been hanging out with someone who’s made me question that. See, that person is well adjusted. Never had a bad day in their life, probably. Lives in a little bubble where everything belongs to her. And she’s materialistic and shallow; not a bad person, but will surely harm people for her own sake, or if she’s in a group and just following rules. But she looks truly, truly happy.

I don’t think (and I’ve really, really recently changed my view on this) that everyone suffers. I think in fact that most people are too shallow to suffer — that suffering doesn’t even register with them, and they go their whole lives without suffering.

I think people are happy. But in their happiness, they’ve given up on themselves. I know that’s a very vague thing to say. It’s sort of like, they’ve given up being larger then life, and have accepted reality too fully. To be a doctor, or lawyer, or whatever. That’s fine, but that’s not an end goal I can get behind. To abandon my dreams of being something cool, and living mired in society, and then dying, is just too sad. You know?

Anyway, that’s just my rambling. I haven’t quite figured things out yet.

WaitLonger 10/11/2019 - 1:14 am

Is happiness all that matters? If you really wanted to be happy and if the world wanted you to be happy, you would be happy. But that’s not how it is.

Happiness is selfishness. Happiness is ignorance. Happiness is arrogance.

Happiness is the root of pain. We expect to be happy, and we are upset when we don’t achieve it. We hurt others in order to be happy. We hurt ourselves in order to be happy. And it bites us back when it leaves. We are left in immeasurable pain when we reminisce a happy past.

It is a mistake to think that we are meant to be happy. Happiness is just a result of having a full belly and a good night’s sleep. The forced pursuit of happiness is what causes most of our problems.

Cause of Death: Suicide 10/15/2019 - 11:48 pm

August 2014

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