Obviously it will destroy their lives. I know what it is like to grow up without a father. It destroyed my life. They both love me so much. My favourite time is when they get home from school and I see them and hold them. I listen to them. Then they take themselves off to do their well earned R&R after a long day of learning and I withdraw to my own space.
I curl up in bed, they know where to find me if they need me. They see me like this every day. I hear their voices and listen to their footsteps as they pad about the house. Beautiful souls randomly selected to be mine. I love them and they love me.
They love me with everything. They know that I am broken, they know this is not normal. A father should be out working, providing money, security and stability. A father should not be hiding from the world, clinging to a blanket, weeping. A father should be so much more than I am. Yet they still love me. They don’t understand, they don’t know how to fix me but they know how to love me. Their love is the only thing keeping me alive.
This may not make sense to some of you but I really love life. There is so much to love, the colour, the sounds, the touch and scent. I love these things. But there is a part to life I hate. I do not fit in this world, I hate how I do not fit. I am good looking, tall, strong. But I do not fit. I don’t understand how to make the world work for me. I fail at almost everything I put my mind. I give up, lose interest, get distracted. Not just the complicated things but even the simple things. I write one task on my list of things I want to achieve each day. It could be do a job search or go for a walk or have a bath or write a list. Yet at the end of each day the item I wrote almost always remains as something that I still need to do.
As I lay here in my stink I beg to be free from this life, I plan ways to end myself. I pray for eternal darkness to take me into her arms. Yet each morning I am still here, somehow, but for how much longer? I have achieved nothing in all these years yet they still love me and I love them. If I do end up in the eternal sleep, those two beautiful babies of mine will be totally heartbroken.
But the battle for the final release rages in my mind constantly, take me to my peace or help me function. Time is running out. I need to fill my shell or abandon it to the worms.