I grew up in poverty. I was molested at the age of 8 which made me feel like all I was as a child was a target for bullies. I was invisible until someone wanted to bully me; tease me. I was raised by a single mom who neglected me (and my siblings). There were times when we didn’t even have food. I had 3 younger siblings that I was pretty much left in charge of. When my dad was in my life (he abused drugs) and at times was abusive towards us kids, including verbally. We were all in foster homes at one point and I was sexually abused throughout that process as well. I’m resilient, I guess, for even keeping some level of sanity for getting through that life and not turning into a lunatic of some kind.
As a side note, I have not lived my life blaming my parents and living in bitterness. I forgave them without them ever asking me to and decided a long time ago that I alone needed to take responsibility for my life; my healing. Both of my parents have passed and I had a healthy relationship with them both in the end, even taking care of my mom after her diagnosis of cancer until she passed away. I harbor no ill feelings towards them. My mentioning of the problems of my childhood is strictly about the fact that what I went through as a child is what makes my adult life what it is. Cause and affect. That’s just life.
I’ve gone through therapy my entire adult life and it’s helped only a little. I have learned things and have improved as a human, but I can never shake this feeling of just not wanting to exist.
I only recently realized that I am an Aspie; someone who has Asperger’s Syndrome. The professionals don’t acknowledge AS now, I guess, but my therapist knows that there’s a difference between Autism Spectrum and AS. People with AS tend to have milder Autistic symptoms which oftentimes means that we go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed.
You would think that figuring out that I’m an Aspie would be helpful in my healing and therapy, etc. but it hasn’t been. I feel just as hopeless as I did as a child.
I get suicidal thoughts but I can’t do it. It’s a fact that sometimes you can end up in a worst condition, like being paralyzed, etc. and end up being an even bigger burden to the world and those in your life. I also don’t follow through because my kids won’t get my veteran’s life insurance if I commit suicide and if it can’t be proven that I’m mentally ill. I’m worth more dead than alive.
I don’t see myself as mentally ill. I can’t stand that people think that not wanting to live is due to mental illness. It’s like the concept of just hating your life is not a reality or something. I mean, read some articles of the affect poverty has on children and you will understand what life was like for me. I only recently understood, through a therapy session why I feel like I’m pretty much worthless. Children who grow up in poverty don’t have thoughts of a future. They live from one day to the next in survival mode. When asked what they want to be when they grow up they most likely don’t have an idea.
This kind of existence, more often than not, carried on into adult life. What made it worse for me was sacrificing more and more of myself, dedicated to doing the best I could to give my kids a better chance in life. I don’t regret it. They have thanked me for doing the best I could and have done well. But now I’m left looking in the mirror and not knowing who the fuck I am. I actually can’t even look at myself in the mirror.
I have tried to figure out what I can do with my life. I’m on disability and feel like I did as a child; with no sense of what I want to be when I grow up. There’s a sense of not feeling good enough to do anything. I have tried to start projects, follow through on ideas, etc. but I never get anywhere. I give up due to lack of self confidence. I served in the military and ended up with PTSD. I mean, my childhood experiences contribute to that, but the treatment I got in the military from authority figures just solidified that I’m worthless and made my life much more difficult.
I stay in my house unless I really have to leave to do something. This is hardly considered an existence. Even though I have helped a lot of people, especially children, I still don’t see my worth. I could probably jump into a burning building and save an entire family and their pet and still not see anything worthwhile about myself. In fact, I would probably feel worse because before I started having children I wanted to be a firefighter but because of the grueling hours that career entails I gave up on it. It was the only positive thing I got from the military. It was the only thing I really liked learning to do, was how fire worked and how to put fires out.
I was in the Navy. We all had to learn how to handle fire because when you’re on board a ship and underway, there is no calling the fire department. You ARE the fire department. I was the only one in my bootcamp division who volunteered to put out every single type of fire during that portion of class time. It was exhilarating! I had even considered dropping in rate to fireman and going on to an aircraft carrier to be a deck ape. To get an idea of what I’m talking about watch the opening of the movie Top Gun. There’s guys who do all the grunt work, like latching the jets for take off, etc. I wanted to do that. But my military career ended due to pregnancy and I had to drop any ideas of firefighting.
Anyway. Suicide. Wishing I was never born. Hopelessness. People always say things with good intentions when these things are brought up. For the most part, they don’t want someone to feel bad, so they try to help. That’s why I just searched “I hate my life” to see if there’s something out there where people can just be honest and, I don’t know… maybe not get bombarded with well intended generic “you’re worth it” kinds of responses. I know people mean well, but it doesn’t help. I’m genuinely convinced that my life is meaningless… until I; me, myself and I, and no one else, figures out how to feel otherwise. But connecting with others who feel the same way, I have found, is very helpful. I don’t want to get “talked down” from the ledge. I’d rather sit on the ledge, in frank honesty with a fellow human being (or 2,3…) who feel(s) the same way and keep things real.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.