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Meh

by AspieGirl

I grew up in poverty. I was molested at the age of 8 which made me feel like all I was as a child was a target for bullies. I was invisible until someone wanted to bully me; tease me. I was raised by a single mom who neglected me (and my siblings). There were times when we didn’t even have food. I had 3 younger siblings that I was pretty much left in charge of. When my dad was in my life (he abused drugs) and at times was abusive towards us kids, including verbally. We were all in foster homes at one point and I was sexually abused throughout that process as well. I’m resilient, I guess, for even keeping some level of sanity for getting through that life and not turning into a lunatic of some kind.

As a side note, I have not lived my life blaming my parents and living in bitterness. I forgave them without them ever asking me to and decided a long time ago that I alone needed to take responsibility for my life; my healing. Both of my parents have passed and I had a healthy relationship with them both in the end, even taking care of my mom after her diagnosis of cancer until she passed away. I harbor no ill feelings towards them. My mentioning of the problems of my childhood is strictly about the fact that what I went through as a child is what makes my adult life what it is. Cause and affect. That’s just life.

I’ve gone through therapy my entire adult life and it’s helped only a little. I have learned things and have improved as a human, but I can never shake this feeling of just not wanting to exist.

I only recently realized that I am an Aspie; someone who has Asperger’s Syndrome. The professionals don’t acknowledge AS now, I guess, but my therapist knows that there’s a difference between Autism Spectrum and AS. People with AS tend to have milder Autistic symptoms which oftentimes means that we go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed.

You would think that figuring out that I’m an Aspie would be helpful in my healing and therapy, etc. but it hasn’t been. I feel just as hopeless as I did as a child.

I get suicidal thoughts but I can’t do it. It’s a fact that sometimes you can end up in a worst condition, like being paralyzed, etc. and end up being an even bigger burden to the world and those in your life. I also don’t follow through because my kids won’t get my veteran’s life insurance if I commit suicide and if it can’t be proven that I’m mentally ill. I’m worth more dead than alive.

I don’t see myself as mentally ill. I can’t stand that people think that not wanting to live is due to mental illness. It’s like the concept of just hating your life is not a reality or something. I mean, read some articles of the affect poverty has on children and you will understand what life was like for me. I only recently understood, through a therapy session why I feel like I’m pretty much worthless. Children who grow up in poverty don’t have thoughts of a future. They live from one day to the next in survival mode. When asked what they want to be when they grow up they most likely don’t have an idea.

This kind of existence, more often than not, carried on into adult life. What made it worse for me was sacrificing more and more of myself, dedicated to doing the best I could to give my kids a better chance in life. I don’t regret it. They have thanked me for doing the best I could and have done well. But now I’m left looking in the mirror and not knowing who the fuck I am. I actually can’t even look at myself in the mirror.

I have tried to figure out what I can do with my life. I’m on disability and feel like I did as a child; with no sense of what I want to be when I grow up. There’s a sense of not feeling good enough to do anything. I have tried to start projects, follow through on ideas, etc. but I never get anywhere. I give up due to lack of self confidence. I served in the military and ended up with PTSD. I mean, my childhood experiences contribute to that, but the treatment I got in the military from authority figures just solidified that I’m worthless and made my life much more difficult.

I stay in my house unless I really have to leave to do something. This is hardly considered an existence. Even though I have helped a lot of people, especially children, I still don’t see my worth. I could probably jump into a burning building and save an entire family and their pet and still not see anything worthwhile about myself. In fact, I would probably feel worse because before I started having children I wanted to be a firefighter but because of the grueling hours that career entails I gave up on it. It was the only positive thing I got from the military. It was the only thing I really liked learning to do, was how fire worked and how to put fires out.

I was in the Navy. We all had to learn how to handle fire because when you’re on board a ship and underway, there is no calling the fire department. You ARE the fire department. I was the only one in my bootcamp division who volunteered to put out every single type of fire during that portion of class time. It was exhilarating! I had even considered dropping in rate to fireman and going on to an aircraft carrier to be a deck ape. To get an idea of what I’m talking about watch the opening of the movie Top Gun. There’s guys who do all the grunt work, like latching the jets for take off, etc. I wanted to do that. But my military career ended due to pregnancy and I had to drop any ideas of firefighting.

Anyway. Suicide. Wishing I was never born. Hopelessness. People always say things with good intentions when these things are brought up. For the most part, they don’t want someone to feel bad, so they try to help. That’s why I just searched “I hate my life” to see if there’s something out there where people can just be honest and, I don’t know… maybe not get bombarded with well intended generic “you’re worth it” kinds of responses. I know people mean well, but it doesn’t help. I’m genuinely convinced that my life is meaningless… until I; me, myself and I, and no one else, figures out how to feel otherwise. But connecting with others who feel the same way, I have found, is very helpful. I don’t want to get “talked down” from the ledge. I’d rather sit on the ledge, in frank honesty with a fellow human being (or 2,3…) who feel(s) the same way and keep things real.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

15 comments
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15 comments

Teresa's Child 10/12/2019 - 12:14 pm

Wow, you seem like you’ve had a lot of experiences. I never had children, or served in the army, and I don’t plan on doing either. But I do relate to looking in the mirror and not knowing what I am.

Thank you for sharing, I enjoyed reading your post.

AspieGirl 10/12/2019 - 1:40 pm

Thank you so much. Yeah. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Yet I somehow remain optimistic. I have dark days, though. It’s not easy to overcome the scars from such a childhood, but I keep trying.

Teresa's Child 10/12/2019 - 2:33 pm

It’s not easy at all; I can speak to that as well. It’s harder to accept the world once you’ve been scarred. Still a huge process for me.

a1957 10/14/2019 - 12:06 am

Could not have said it been myself.

a1957 10/14/2019 - 12:06 am

*better*

WaitLonger 10/12/2019 - 12:26 pm

This perplexes me. I am astonished by the sheer perseverance others possess. I have had no bad experiences of my own; I was diagnosed with AS and ATPD but I have never had a concrete reason to feel severely depressed. Yet here I am.

How and why do people go on? I may never understand. I don’t really want to, I suppose. It just always amazes me.

Teresa's Child 10/12/2019 - 2:35 pm

For me, it’s a vague memory of what it was like to feel alive in my childhood. It’s dumb and unrealistic, but it makes me want to search for it, even though everything I’ve seen shows me that it doesn’t exist, and is meaningless.

AspieGirl 10/12/2019 - 10:02 pm

A few years ago I decided to “heal my inner child”. Since the majority of my problems stem back to my childhood and those experiences helped form me into the adult I am now, I thought it might just help me heal. So, what I did was wrap my arms around myself and imagined that I was hugging my child self. At first I was overthinking it so it felt weird. The next time I tried it I decided I was just going to allow myself to experience it. So, I pictured, in my mind, myself at the age of 8, when the worst thing that could happened to a child happened to me. I told that child things any innocent child who is the victim of molestation should hear. “It’s not your fault. You were just a child and had no control over what was done to you. ” This extended into other painful events, like the bullying and being neglected, etc. It helped me so much! The final result was much more therapeutic than I expected. It was like I connected my adult self with my child self and began to feel a little more full. My therapist was impressed with my knowing to do this on my own because it is an actual form of therapy that an expert would suggest doing and even guide someone through. And she said that connection I made is the desired result. I believe this can apply to good memories, too; the innocence of childhood, etc. I think it’s important to remember what childhood is like. That’s one of the things I did as a parent with my kids. Remembering what being a child is like helped me to understand that kids make mistakes. It helped me remember that they sometimes will follow the wrong crowd, or say silly things, etc. It also helped me to help them keep their innocence as long as possible. So many parents allow their children way too many things, activities, etc. that aren’t age appropriate and that really bothers me. Kids need to be kids. The majority if our lives is spent being an adult so parents should let their kids be kids for as long as possible.

AspieGirl 10/12/2019 - 1:51 pm

I never heard of ATPD so I looked it up. Is there a good treatment for that? You have AS too? Many of my family members are on the spectrum.

WaitLonger 10/13/2019 - 12:21 am

I’ve been on medication and therapy but it’s been nearly a year since I discontinued that. I still tell my parents that I take my meds but I don’t.

AspieGirl 10/13/2019 - 2:07 am

I hope you are doing ok without your meds.

rocketman 10/12/2019 - 11:32 pm

Sad story, but you sound pretty spunky, your strong!

AspieGirl 10/13/2019 - 2:11 am

I really don’t know where my optimism comes from but it’s not enough to stop the dark moments. Actually, I have a shadow over me a lot of the time. It’s like there’s these contradictory opposing sides that exist simultaneously. It’s frustrating being me… and I can’t escape myself…so…sigh.

a1957 10/14/2019 - 12:05 am

Opposing sides that exist simultaneously. I know that way too well. Makes my brain hurt.

mindlessgamer619 10/18/2019 - 9:27 pm

Hi there. Late af I know.

Damn, that’s a lot to take in.

I genuinely hope you figure things out and find the answers you seek.

I relate to some of the things here.

I feel like I’ve been trying so hard to prove to family and myself that I can be self sufficient and live a decent life.

I feel like I fuck up over and over again. I tend to feel worthless, like a dissapointment. No matter what I try to do. I lack self confidence, I have body issues, etc etc.

It’s always nice to find commonality with someone else, no matter how small.

Anyways, I appreciate your post. I’m not too sure what I could say that relates to your situation, but I’m sure you’ll gather more insight somewhere on here.

Trey, the mindless gamer

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